Don't wait for me

chapter 1

I don't know what to do anymore. Everything has just deteriorated into a mountainous cataclysmic mess of pain. I can't handle it, the hurt, the words, the assortment of endless comments, hate and acts of violence. Sometimes I feel like the weight baring down on my shoulders has piled too high to cope that my back will collapse and self-destruct. Sometimes I feel it's easier to run away, not having to face the monstrous punches of questions and rumours, turn your back on the world, facing a new direction, a new life of freedom and serenity.

It all started with a morning, 4th September 2010. I remember so vividly, mum in the kitchen humming and dancing so peaceful as she prepared our usual breakfast, toast. I love the way it disintegrates in your mouth, welding into your jaw giving a warm and fore filling sensation. Dad was sitting at the table, cross legged reading the daily gazette, munching on a bagel and coffee, the steam wisping into swirly patterns then dissolving into oblivion. Charlie and Tim were playing with my make-up. I despised my brother and sister when they were born, all the attention was drawn to them just because they were twins. I don't get the deal on babies, they just look like small smoulders of skin and pink lying hopelessly on any surface you wish to use or sit on and just cause havoc and desperation. Mum went slightly crazy when they were born. Charlie is odd due to her birth, she was the runt of the family, she was supposedly 'a miracle' but I don't believe that shit.

Anyway, it was my first day of year 9 that day. I always try and stay clear of people, friendships and commitment, it causes too much heart-break and disappointment. Don't you think it's simpler to go it alone, overcoming challenges independently? I tried it once, a relationship, I ended up broken and in hospital, no one cared and no one came to save me from the gates of teenage depression. That's why I don't bother, that's why I don't give a shit for anyone around me because they don't give one back, no one gives a fuck! get the thought out of your head. Society's so fucking judgmental.

I made one mistake, let one person in. I caused the biggest disaster in existence which gave me my end...