Time, it goes by so fast. One day you feel like you have all the time in the world, and then the deadline hits you. I felt like that once and I knew my deadline was coming but nothing could have prepared me for this; this flood of emotions coursing through me, turning me numb and exhilarating me both at the same time. I thought I’d have plenty of time to prepare myself: to think of what to say, how to approach him, , how to look at him… I wasn’t even sure of what I would call him. Then the deadline came and I met him, at the hospital I met him. “Hello dad”. It seems my emotions took control and my actions and feelings communicated what my mind and words could not. We embraced fro a while and I’m quite sure we made a scene but I couldn’t let go. It was like we were trying to make up for the years of separation in those few moments. My dad…. He had lost a fair bit of weight and seemed frail to me now but he was my dad all the same. Appearances have nothing to do with personality.
We stood there in silence for a while, finally breaking away to walk side by side down a narrow pathway to the hospital garden only to resume our silent statures. For a moment in our silence I forgot that I had even uttered a word just minutes before and then my father broke the silence. “How have you been?” he asked. “I’ve been better” like before you betrayed me… but I didn’t say that out loud, only in my head. “How’s school?” he queried further, trying to avoid my steely gaze. “Schools good” answering him in only short sentences to show that it would not be that easy to gain my trust, let alone forgiveness. There was further silence, and it felt good to just sit there in silence and not have to face up to the situation, but like all other things in life there was deadline. “Marina, I’m ….. I just….I just want you to know that….I love you I’m sorry. Sorry for the years of grief I’ve given you, for scarring you with that memory, for ruining you. I had hoped that you would have gone on with your life and just hated me, thought I was worthless and not worth the time I spent in your thoughts every day but I know that what I did was unforgivable. I know that you may never forgive me or love me again but I NEED you to know that I love you and I’m sorry. I have spent every day, thinking about you and what I did, trying to make up for that…. What I did to you, hoping that by changing myself and coming as close as possible to being a saint, I could at least start to win you back. Because, Marina it was all my fault. I’m to blame. There is nothing wrong with you, it’s all me. And I’ll leave now, if that’s what you want”. I hadn’t realized then, but during his whole ranting plead for forgiveness I had been standing there with my jaw dropped, eyes wide and tears flowing freely. It was if he was reading my mind…. Was he? Had he taken over so much of my life? Invaded every crevice of my mind to the point where he just KNEW me? Every thought I had? Every emotion I’ve felt? NO, I told myself. Don’t over think, don’t ruin this… I had been rendered speechless yet again, turned mute by the same person. But instead of feeling hatred for this man, I couldn’t help but feel… regret… and love. Regret for the years that I went on hating him and what he did to me, for hating myself because I thought everyone else did. And if so many people hated me, than there must be a good reason…. But here he was. Stating every thought and feeling of mine, telling me that he UNDERSTOOD. That for once, I had been heard. I found my voice then.
“I love you dad.”
