Cowgirl Up

Chapter 11- Jake

Going back to school was actually a relief. I couldn't wait to get out of that house. I even woke up early to take Gabe to school before going to Pinewood High. Andrew offered before going to his cmomunity college, but I needed any excuse- anything at all- to get me out of that house. Mom didn't understand. She never would. Lily being in that room, in that specific room, was bringing back so many memories that were just too overwhelming. I could see her face. Everytime Lily walked out of the bedroom door, I thought it was her. It was messing with my mind and I couldn't take it anymore.

"Hey dude, snap out of it." My best friend Connor clapped my back with his hand to bring me out of the daydream I'd been having, It was a mixture of hating my situation and loving the memories I had, which just made me all sorts of confused, I looked at Connor with a blank look on my face and he nodded to my hand where I was clenching my pencil. I let go of the pencil and simultaneously dropped my math textbook on the floor with a loud thump. I kept telling myself it was an accident, but it wasn't. I needed to get out of class, get to the counselor's office as soon as I could. My teacher, Mrs. Harr, stopped mid-sentence and everyone turned to look at me. Their wide eyes, Mrs. Harr's mouth forming words I couldn't comprehend-- it was just too much. I left my pencil and my book, picked up my bag and stormed out of the classroom. I didn't even realize I'd slammed the door against the wall hard enough to leave a dent in the mint green plaster.

Jeff was at lunch, which I expected. So I waited. I was used to waiting for Jeff, but only because I'de been down here so often in the last few months. I couldn't stand being anywhere else really. It didn't take long for Jeff to come back, he usually only took ten minutes for lunch. When he walked in the doors to the counselor's office, he stopped short. "Jake?" I looked up from where my hands rested in my lap. One look into his understanding eyes and the tears flowed freely from mine. "Jeff... I miss her." He sat beside my and put a hand on my back. "I know son. I know."

I probably cried for a good half hour. Jeff didn't talk but he didn't ignore me either. Jeff and I were close and he really cared about how I was feeling. When the tears stopped and I was able to breathe steadily, Jeff asked, "So what brought this on? Your mom tells me you have an orphaned cousin or something living with you now." I nodded slowly, took a deep breath, and began. "Yeah, Lily. She's not a cousin but pretty close I guess. We were closer when we were young but we drifted apart. I don;t even know who she is anymore, she got so caught up in her rich kid life." I looked at Jeff expecting some kind of protest about not judging someone before getting to know them, but he only nodded to prompt me to keep talking. "She's in her room," I said softly, and Jeff straightened up. "And your mom? Did you tell her how this makes you feel?" I shook my head no, remembering how I wanted to tell mom but trying to bring it up only brought on her hysteria. "Jake, Heather did die almost three months ago. I know it's been hard and I don't expect you to be the least bit over her passing. But it's a room, not her life. Heather lived with you for a few weeks, that's it-" I shot up and shouted "That's not it though!" I paced a few times before slamming my fist into the wall and starting a new round of tears. "I could've saved her, jeff. If I'd have known, I could've saved her. But I didn't. She died. Heather's dead. And Lily fucking Mapleton is taking her place and it isn't fair."