Kung pwede lang ibalik ang nakaraan gagawin ko. Itatama ko yung mga pagkakamaling nagawa ko.
I sighed.
I should talk to my parents.
"Sab, I'll go ahead. I have important meeting today. You beteer take your medicine and read your books. Avoid surfing the net."
"Yeah yeah. I know! You don't have to remind me everyday."
She just laughed at me.
Tsk. Whatever.
She's Alissa Go, my teacher. Tinuturuan niya ako dito sa bahay. Yes. Home study ang peg ko. Well, that's my parents decision. Kahit na ayoko, dapat sundin ko sila. I don't have any choice but to agree with them because if not ... I will stop studying. What the hell, right?!
No phones. No laptop. What a life! I really missed my old life! I should really talk to my parents. Since 4th year highschool naman na ako. Why would I try to request na gusto kong mag'aral sa school. Sa dati kong school.
Nag'decide akong pumunta sa room nila ...
"Da --"
"You don't know what you're saying!"
"Honey ... hes already 16. She can handle herself. We should trust her. And besides that's what she wants."
"No! I.Don't.Like .. She will study HERE, whether she like it or not!"
"Sa tingin mo ba sasaya siya sa decision mo? natin? Teenager na siya."
"She has a severe disease. What if may mangyaring masama? We don't know what would happen!"
"You know what? You're just over reacting. Kapag pinagpatuloy natin ito, mas lalo siyang masasaktan! Yvette, alam mo na nagbago na siya. Hindi na siya yung dating Sab na kilala ko. Yung masayin na anak natin. Lagi na siyang tulala. You don't know how much she missed her old life!"
Natahimik naman si Mommy.
"Dad ... Mom"
"Sab .." sabi ni Dad then he hugged me.
"I have something to say ..."
"What's that dear?" tanong ni Dad.
"I want my old life back."
"Sab!" sabi ni Mom.
"What?! I missed my old life! Mom ... this is what I want. So will you just please deal with it?"
"Are you insane or something?!"
"Mom ... You love me, right?"
"Of course I do love you. You're my daughter."
"That's it. You love me so please, I'm begging you. Just this once. I really want to go back to St. Paul High. I want my old life back. I missed my old friends. It's been 3 years since I left them without saying nothing."
"Oh God! You're making me crazy." sabi ni Mommy.
"Dad .. Mom, please .."
"Sab ..." sabi ni Mommy then she hugged me. "You can wish anything, but not that. You know what my decision is. This is for your own safety."
Umalis ako sa pagkakayakap ni Mommy.
"So that's it! It's a NO, right?! You know what?! I know you're all concern because of this effin disease of mine! But this is too much! Am I really your daughter? Because you know what? I can't feel it! You don't even trust me! Mom I'm not a kid anymore. I can handle myself1 This is what I want. This is what I wish for! But what? Hindi niyo kayang tuparin?! What do you think of me? A robot? Na lahat ng gusto niyo gagawin ko?! Mom ... This is too much! Di ko na kaya. Ang sakit sakit na ang nararamdaman ko. You're torturing me!" I cried out loud. "Ito lang naman yung gusto ko! Bakit ... bakit hindi niyo kayang gawin? Sana .. sana mawala na lang ako. Para hindi na ako nasasaktan. Mom, ang sakit na nga nangnararamdaman ko. Pero ano? Lalo niyong pinapasakit!"
She slapped me.
"How dare you talked to me like that?! Don't you ever dare shout at me!"
"Why ecause SHE never did this to you?! You really love her that much. Mom ako yung andito oh! Pero siya yung mahal mo. Mom, I will never be like her if you're trying me to be like her! She's different! We're different!"
I said. Then I leave them.
This is too mucch. I did everything so that they would be happy/ But what? They can't feel my existence. I'm trying to be her. But it's really hard.
She's gone. I'm here. But she's still the one they wanted to be with. Kill me now, please. :(
