The storm left long ago, but just as it takes years to repair a devastated city after a hurricane my life is not unburdened by the past. I love my boyfriend and he goes well out of his way to make sure I am happy. He takes every effort to make sure our "big kid time" lives up to my dreams.
Despite this, I sometimes end up saying stop while choking back tears. My past floods my senses and I see the person of my memory instead of my biggest supporter. I push him away without the ability to say why. He knows though, and he quickly gets dressed and helps me do the same. He comforts me and takes away the fear I have of something that wont come after me again.
They lied when they told me it was over. I was told it was over when I went to court. It still haunts me. I avoid feelings, people, and places. I begin to panic and shake when I am really not in danger. Even the smallest clouds can make me brace for impact as though I already see a tornado.
I say sorry and each time he says not to be sorry. I say sorry because he has to miss out because of me. I say sorry because I see the sadness in his eyes when im triggered. He tries so hard to be his best. I feel horrible when I see the strain in his face; he cares and it shows as he gently sits down and talks to me.
"You are here with me. It is 2015. You are safe. I will protect you. This room is a place where I will not let the monsters come. You dont have to do anything you dont want to."
When I come to he asks if I am okay. He asks if he can do anything, and I tell him what I feel I can. I hold back only if he will be very upset or it will trigger me again. When I feel the thoughts and feeling settle out,and I can understand my thoughts, I curl into his arms. I listen to his heartbeat.
He pets my head and gently plays with my hair. It feels so relaxing to curl up to him and feel him bring my heartbeat to the slower beat of his. I say I love him, and he says it back. He tells me for the millionth time he will never give up and leave. He never questions whether the struggle is worth staying around. He always proves to me that he will take us as we are. I will never surrender to the feelings of hopelessness again. I have a place to grow, a person to grow strong for, and many reasons to feel blessed.
YOU ARE READING
The Storm Before The Calm
Non-Fictionthis is about my personal story of abuse. no hate please. and a huge trigger warning for anyone who has been sexually abused.
