The Storm Before The Calm

The first drops

It is the beginning of spring. I am 12 years old and the boy we walk home lives a little ways off the regular path. I volunteer to walk him the 30 seconds over to another street, but so does my neighbors older cousin. He was a lot taller than me, and he always seemed to be wearing something Spider-man. He had a ton of acne on him and it was clear his hygiene was not at A quality. He was nice enough to get along with though, and could be humorous.

His demeanor was that of courage and secrecy. It was hard to learn much about him, but he clearly liked the band Weezer and he ate a lot of Hot Dogs with cheese. He played video games alot, and his favorite was Maple Story. His room was chilly, and crammed full of stuff. It looked more like a storage space with a bed than a room to live in. He was very polite, and always offered to do things with others.

He was friendly enough that i got close to him, and well i'll leave it at that for now. I started attending his church, by myself/with his family, and i started to go to his house to hang out with him and his brother, who was the same close age as me. The boy (really a teen to young adult) was always there, and slowly started getting closer to me.

After a few weeks of walking the younger kid down the street, the older boy asked me for a kiss, and i didn't realize it was wrong, so i did. He smiled at me and it made me a little uncomfortable but i ignored it and smiled back. I didn't realize i had just opened a terrifying door that would not close for another 2 years. I did not realize the pain and suffering that i had "caused myself" or the many years of shattered self worth that were to follow, but i guess there was not much of that to begin with anyway.

It became routine for him to steal kisses, either from my lips or to my cheeks, and i would smile back even though it got to be annoying the attention i got from him. Anytime i had a boyfriend he would get angry or he would say "oh your better off without them." It caused a lot of guilt and soon i found myself cycling between wanting closeness from someone else and feeling bad that i wanted someone else.

I felt awful when i told this boy "no" or "stop" or that it hurt, mainly because he would give me that puppy dog look and say "please" or "it takes getting used to" and it got to a point where he would not stop if i asked. I learned to deal with the problem with SH (self harm) and i learned to deal with it by drinking. I found out it was wrong way too late, and the damage was done. But way before i found out it was wrong, I learned that i was losing memories of what was happening. I still only remember faintly most of it, but i clearly remember the first day and the last day.

He had progressed in a matter of months from a kiss once or twice a week, to doing the horrible things in nightmares. I remember being told not to tell r else "everyone you know will hate you." i also heard "shhh you'll make them mad" or "no one will believe you anyway." I was told it would ruin everyone's lives if they found out, and that he would personally ruin mine. I told his mom what was happening and she told me simply and flatly, "it was just innocent play. I'll talk to him but there is nothing to get upset about." I cried when he hit me after he found out.

I was too scared to leave his life. I really believed i would be punished with a life of being alone. I wouldn't ever be like or accepted because i let him do that. I was under the assumption that i let him do anything, when really i was being controlled and forced.

He would force my hands to do things, and he would do things i could not begin to explain without breaking down or losing it. But the worst was towards the end.