Vicious Circle (A Sad JongKey Story)

Before reading this, please watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hk4xM_dGRE

            It’s funny how one second everything can feel okay and then the next it feels like hell is swallowing you up in its tongue of flames and all you can do is succumb to the heat.

            I know I used to say to not give in to the sorrow, to fight the sadness, that one day the stress would leave if you could just push past it and get to tomorrow. If you could just see that there was better on the other side; the sun comes after the rain. If only I could have seen that doing that wasn’t so easy.

            I see it now… Boy do I see it. How I see it I don’t know… My eyes are so blurred with tears that it’s getting hard to see anything any more… I can’t see my hand, I can’t see the walls I’ve surrounded myself with for the past three months, I can’t see where I’m going, I can’t see the future, the present… The only eyes I have are the ones in my head seeing the past – because the past was so much better.

            Because he was there.

            God, I wish he was here. He had so much to him! He had everything going for him! He didn’t deserve what came to him; he deserved to live a long happy life. We were supposed to grow old together… Walk hand in hand through forests while multi colored leaves fell around them like in those movies that he made fun of so badly…

            Thinking about him just makes me choke up all over again. I can feel my lungs heave, gasping for air as I stare blankly to the white ceiling. Wetness trickles from the corners of my eyes, clinging to my eyelashes for the briefest of moments before finally sliding down into the worn trails of the others that fell before.

What was life without crying now? I wonder… I spend so much of my time weeping over his loss that I can’t even begin to understand what my life before was. The black abyss is constantly surrounding me. The rain cloud is over my head and some bastard stole my umbrella… He would have had an umbrella…

I can’t even stop thinking about you for one second!

“WHY?!”

            Anger blurred my thoughts as I found the pillow I was clutching being thrown across the room. I expected it to hit the wall with a dull, unsatisfying thud but instead my ringing ears were met with the sudden sound of glass shattering. A picture frame? It couldn’t be…

            I took frantic steps to the pillow, tripping over my own socked feet as I did so. At that point in time I couldn’t care less whether tiny shards of glass were poking into my skin to show me the scarlet drops of my madness – I was dead set on retrieving the picture frame that lay face down on my wooden floor, right by the pillow I’d abused it with.

            My worst fears were confirmed when I saw what picture lay behind the corners of remaining class. The cardboard support at the back fell crooked out of place causing the picture to slip along with it and fall to the ground like a feather floating down from a random bird. It lay gracefully atop the shimmering shards and stared up at my miserable face with smiling eyes. Two pairs of shiny, brown eyes and two smiles beaming happily up at me. Cheek to cheek. So. Freaking. Happy.

            A sob. Another sob. They racked my body hard. Harder than they had before. Harder than the day of his funeral; harder than the time they told me to get over him; harder than the time they read me his will… Not harder than the time they told me his was dead.

            He’s dead. You’re dead. Why the fuck are you dead?

            I wailed over the picture. He’s so happy, we were so happy.