Destiny's Betrayal

The Fight

It took a few days but eventually I got into the swing of things, at least in the sense that I had a rhythm, rather than I was actually enjoying any of it. I'd located the university, which ironically enough had been my insurance choice, not that I'd ever find out if I'd have had the chance to go there, and a fairly clean public toilet that you didn't have to pay for, surprise, surprise. I also got lucky enough to station myself somewhere in-between the two, finding a fairly quiet park with an undercover gazebo-type structure with a bench that so far I had yet to notice anyone else wander near. This I resolved to call home, at least until I had saved up enough money to begin renting the cheapest flat I could find. However that plan relied on the idea that I would in fact find a job sometime soon, but that was proving to be much harder than expected.

As it turned out it seemed in the entirety of Manchester no one wanted to hire an eighteen year old. Everywhere I went I was on the lookout for 'help wanted' signs, but nothing came up. I checked in newspapers, nothing that didn't at least require some form of experience I did not have, and literally every store seemed to have more than enough cashiers. I remained jobless, and as a painful result as this trend continued it seemed my bank balance was depleting exponentially. No matter how hard I tried though, I knew eventually the money would run out if I did not have a way of replenishing it, and after about two months of this way of living, my pounds, and my hope, were beginning to run dangerously low.

It was an utterly pathetic feeling, I decided one cold evening I was forced to spend alone in the park, that I'd come to detest: knowing you had a complete and utter lack of hope left and no longer had the will to survive as a result. Quite different, I decided as I continued to sit there, from being suicidal; I did not want to end my life as a method of escape, because at this point it was almost as if I simply didn't care enough. True, I could see no reason to go on, but couldn't be bothered to put a stop to it either. I simply spent all my time wishing I was in a different position all together, wishing I'd never told my family I was gay in the first place. In that case I'd be finding out my A Level results today, and finding out which university I was going to, but instead all that hard work had been wasted and I was left only with my hatred of the world.

As I continued to sit, staring absently into space, shivering on my stupid little park bench that I'd miserably been sleeping on for the last eight weeks, I began thinking something along the lines of:

Fuck this, fuck it all. I literally couldn't give two shits what happens to me now, I just want out of this hell hole my life has become

That state of mind led to the desire to do something reckless, and so coupled with the equally as strong desire to just escape, I found myself pooling together every last scrap of money I had, about 20 pounds in all, and after stowing my bag in a well hidden bush, I headed off towards the closest and busiest gay bar I could find.

My reasoning with this plan, I figured, was I was going to run out of money soon enough and by this point I'd just had enough anyway. There was only so long one could live in complete poverty for before one had just had enough of it all. So just for one night, and this one night only, I decided I'd give it all up, knowing I was well past giving a damn anymore, so for one night I was letting go, screw all consequences and screw all planning. My plan; drinking either as much as I could afford, or enough to get me drunk enough that for a while I wouldn't remember any of it was happening, whatever came first.

******

The bar was loud and full of strangers, dancing, drinking, hitting on one another, making out in a corner, all a totally new experience, but a welcome one. I couldn't think through the noise, which was nice for once, being able to escape my own sense of impending doom. This was also actually the opportunity for my first experience with alcohol, which I figured should be interesting in the least, so cautiously making my way to the bar I ordered myself a beer.