I opened my eyes and stared at the wall before me. I was awake, but my mind was asleep. It made me feel like, this was a dream. A dream that I would wake up from any minute now. I would wake up, and then 'd see paradise. My paradise. Silence would be gone, because I wouldn't need her. I wouldn't be so alone.
I scratched the side of my nose and rolled over, the sheets tightening around me. I cringed, not liking the feeling of having my legs tied. It made me feel trapped. Not held.
I've always wanted to be held. In my mind, I wonder what it's like. In my mind, I am held by everyone. In my mind, nothing is real. This is real. The floor, the walls.
Silence is real.
I bit my lip, and looked in the mirror. I liked the mirror, because it showed me myself. Myself and Silence. Side my side. Silence is small and shaggy, but she is soft. Her skin is pink, and her insides are white. I am white. Like the clothes I wear. Like the walls around me. I am white. My hair is white... but not quite. It is yellow. But the yellow is white. My eyes are not white. They are bright. Very bright. They are like ice. They are blue.
If I look hard enough, I can see my soul. It is frail and alone. It needs to be held. I wish I could hold her. I wish I could hold myself. It isn't the same. It's never the same. I sit on the floor, and pull up my legs. Silence Is lying on them. I pull my legs close, and hug them to my chest. I wait. I wait and stare. Stare at the door. I wait for the door. For the door to open.
I wait and wait. But it never does. I always wait. For something to happen. For the world to spin, and take me away. I want the floors, to let me melt. Melt in between them. It would be, like being held.
I've always wanted to be held.
When I am cold, no one holds me. Not one is ever there. Silence, she tries to hold me. But she knows it doesn't work. She understands it's not fair.
I want to be held.
So that's why I'll wait. Because someday, I'll be held. And I won't be so cold. I will be warm. Warm and fuzzy, like that little rabbit. With a fluttering heart, held against someones chest. It'll be just the same. But their hearts won't stop.
No.
Not this time.
***
The nurse dragged me forward. She pulled on my arm. It made it hurt. It hurt a lot, and made me flinch. She didn't notice. She didn't notice me flinch.
I don't like her hold.
She holds me with anger. And her anger brings pain. She does not like it here. But neither do we. Silence and I. We do not like that room. Or these nurses. But these nurses can leave. We cannot. We can't ever leave. We can't be held.
The nurse stops, and pushes me forward. Another nurse comes and Silence is taken. He black button eyes, strain to see me, as I strain to see her, as she's taken away. It's not fair. She just wants to be held.
The nurse takes my shirt, and takes my socks and pants. I am cold, left in my underwear. I shiver, and the scowl. They scowl at my body. White, like the floor. Clean, like their own. I am like them. But I am different.
Wires are placed on my body, and needles are given. I feel pinches in my skin, and my blood is taken. It is taken away from me. I wonder if it feels cold. I wonder, if they know.
