write for me.

A Lost Battle

The fear in your eyes, the sadness in your voice, and the numbness if your heart are the only things I can think of late at night when I'm trying to win this battle going on inside of me. Its been thirty-seven gruesome days since you left my life. Thirty-seven days of me wanting to kill myself, thirty-seven days of a agonizing pain. If that's even what it's called. I've only just assumed the nothingness I feel in my heart is pain. That's what you called it right?

---

"It's as if the only thing I feel is pain, the nothingness," you spoke as you gazed out the foggy window with silent tears rolling down your face. You glanced over to me, "This constant wonder of what it would be life to kill myself." 

"Well, we're just two suicidal teens falling in love with each others sadness," I shrugged, taking a few more steps towards you. I rested my hand on your should, and pressed my lips against your forehead. I stood there and admired your long hair while you played with the ends of mine. Your gaze had moved away from the window and now I was staring into your grey eyes, oh how beautiful they are. 

"Your eyes remind me of everything that's right in the world. The grays mixing with each other so perfectly." She smiled up at me, "You always bring up my eyes when we have these moments."

"It's because I can see what you truly feel when I look into your eyes," I spoke. 

She stood up and hugged me. She gripped my sides while I nuzzled my head into her shoulder, muttering loving words meant only for her. Everything else in the world disappeared and the only thing I could feel was my love for her. 

"I love you and everything you come with. The two of us will get over this constant need to slash our skin and wrap a rope around our necks. We can make it through this darkness we have put ourselves in. It may be one step at a time, but we will take those steps together," her words had us both crying by now. It didn't take much for us to cry, but when we cried together, everything seemed so at ease. "Our eyes will have glimmers behind them, and our smiles will become genuine. Our laughs will be heard by many, and our hearts will no longer be faded, but they will be as bright as the morning sun."

We stood there, staring into each others eyes, not wanting to look away. I brought my hand up to her face and wiped away a few stray tears and she wiped some of mine away. Her eyes spoke truthfulness, while mine spoke love.

---

I thrashed around in my bed, mangled cries escaping my mouth as the memory faded. The gloominess she and I once shared all poured into me when she left. I fell into this pit of sadness that seems to be deeper than my love for her. Its as if I'm standing on a hidden hill, and I'm looking around for the right way down but the fog covers the path, just like your smile covered your thoughts. 

I believed you when you said you were getting better, the same way you believed me. We were both at battle within ourselves....

Only you lost yours.