PruCan: When I was Invisible

Intro: My name is Matthew....

Reader,

Have you ever thought to yourself, "It'd feel much better if I weren't even alive?" Almost everybody has at least once, and if you haven't, then I'm envious of you. I'm miserable most of the time... I wish for the most impossible things. The one thing I wish for the most is happiness though. It's really hard to be happy when you're someone like me.

I put myself down a lot. If you were in my situation, I'm sure you'd understand why. No one really notices me. I go on as if I'm invisible. It's like I'm a ghost. Many can't even remember my name and who I am. I've tried to speak out, really! But my efforts are useless. They normally just call me 'Alfred's brother'.

Oh, that's right, I should introduce my family as well. I have a brother named Alfred, and he's extremely extroverted compared to me. He's really popular and good looking, so it's amazing how some people accidentally see me as him at first glance. In fact, we're not really related at all. Alfred is in fact my adopted brother, and I'll tell you why now.

My papa's name is Francis Bonnefoy. He adopted me when I was really young, so my real last name is different from his. My full name is Matthew Williams. I hope you can remember it... Anyways, my papa had met my other papa, Arthur, a long time ago. His full name is Arthur Kirkland. He had adopted a son as well, Alfred. Alfred F. Jones to be specific. My parents fell in love really quickly, and after a few years of dating and living together, they finally tied the knot. It was a cute love story but then... The fighting started happening.

Papa Francis and Papa Arthur started arguing frequently, and it continued to get worse and worse each time they fought. Soon, it got to the point where me and Alfred even had to live away from each other temporarily, me with Papa Francis and him with Papa Arthur. After quite some time, in fact this was just recently, our papas talked it over and came to a decision. They decided to separate, but live in the same household, as I really missed Alfred and apparently he missed me as well, which I'm very happy about.

So now, we are still technically a family all living together. The only difference is, Papa Francis and Papa Arthur are separated. Alfred still can't accept it however. No matter how many times I've tried to explain it to him, he completely ignores me and denies it completely like he doesn't want that to be the truth. It's painful, but it really is the truth...

I hope my parents will one day completely regain their love again though. It'd be nice to see them hugging and cuddling, whispering to each other sweet nothings like they used to, and I'm sure Alfred would be really happy as well. It's nostalgic to think of those days. I was already a very timid child; I would have my family do all the talking for me, especially Alfred. I'm happy that when we ended up in different classes as younger kids, he continuously requested to the teachers, our papas, and even the principal to change his classes to mine.

We did everything together really. If it weren't for him, I'm sure I wouldn't be telling you any of this. I was also bullied. It didn't matter what classes or grade or school, someone new would find me and bully me. It drove me into depression and suicidal thoughts, and they still swarm my brain now. Alfred fought the bullies for me too. He got into so many fights and earned himself bruises, cuts, and detentions, but every time I waited for him after school to walk home with him, he'd simply smile and put his arm around my shoulders saying, "Don't worry Mattie! If anyone tries to hurt you, call for me! I'll be your hero!"

Just these thoughts are enough to bring a smile on my face. It's all that's helping me hang on to life. But really, I'm just slowly dying inside. It hurts to pull a façade each and everyday pretending I'm truly fine when I just want more help. I don't mean therapy or treatment; I don't need that for this kind of situation. I just want... Something. I'm not entirely sure what that something I want is, but it just might be happiness. I have happiness, yes, because of my brother and my household isn't chaotic like it was before but... I want more. I sound very selfish, but it's true.

Now, I'm facing a new year again. It's... It's already high school. Elementary and middle school have flown by much too quickly, and high school is just waiting there for me and my brother. I hope I can gain a new start again, but I highly doubt it. Like I said earlier, it never mattered where I went, some bully always found me. I'm certain it will happen again, but Alfred will still be here by my side. He did tell me he will be my hero if I ever need him. I really owe so much to him. I wish I could do more for him, but he insists that just being able to call him 'Al' for his nickname and treating him like a good brother is enough for him. I hope so.

I don't want to be ignored anymore. I don't want to be merely a shadow or a ghost. I want to be noticed, but it's the one thing I least expect at all with this sudden new change of surroundings. High school huh? I hope I can survive this. But who am I kidding? I don't think I've truly lived since the time I finally had a family. Truly, I'm dying. So....yeah..... My name is Matthew Williams, and I hope just pure will and little determination can help me get through this new life of mine.

Wish me luck. And to those who may have felt pity for me... I'm sorry.

~Matthew W.