Don't Let Go {Saviour Trilogy Spin-Off}

Part 3: Chapter 13 - How to Save a Life

Step one, you say, "We need to talk."
He walks, you say, "Sit down. It's just a talk."
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
'Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
Pray to God, he hears you
And I pray to God, he hears you

How to Save a Life ~ The Fray

***

Jason was spooning Callum, both of them warm in bed, his hand resting gently over Callum's heart. He closed his eyes, focusing on the steady beating beneath his palm, but it didn't stop the torrent of thoughts streaming through his head.

He didn't know what was happening to him. He just knew that it was horrible, that he didn't feel like himself anymore, and that he needed to go.

He was turning into his father. He could feel it. Every time something little bothered him, he had to clench his hands into tight fists to stop himself throwing something or thumping something in irritation. He couldn't count the number of times he'd snapped at Callum, and he loathed the look of hurt in his eyes each time he did. Callum had been patient, asking him whether there was anything wrong, coaxing him into that safe place free from judgement where they'd always poured their hearts out before.

But he couldn't say it. He couldn't tell Callum what he feared-that it was ingrained deep in his DNA to be a violent, alcoholic, abusive man. Or that perhaps he'd suffered through so much of his father's behaviour that, whatever he did, he was unable to escape that kind of upbringing.

He'd mentioned it to his therapist. He'd told him about how his behaviour was changing, and about how he felt helpless to stop it. His therapist had talked things out, given him all sorts of techniques, but nothing seemed to be able to squash the feeling of rage that sat continually in his chest.

Jason swallowed, and pressed his nose again the back of Callum's neck, nudging the hair at the nape of his neck. Callum, fast asleep, didn't move, but the scent that surrounded Jason grounded him for just a moment.

He felt so hopeless. He sucked in a deep breath, the noise sounding loud in the silence of their bedroom. He screwed his eyes shut, cursing himself. He hated showing weakness. He hated not being the put-together, sophisticated Jason Parker that most people knew. He could count on one hand the people who had seen the broken parts behind that strong and shiny façade. All four of them had the same surname.

He smiled to himself a little as his thoughts flitted to Callum's family. Callum's mother, who had been kinder to him (with or without her slightly punk style) than his own mother, and had hugged him the first time she'd ever met him. Callum's father, who stood at his shoulder, encouraged him with that strong, worldly smile, and called him 'son'. And then Callum's little brother, who had his parents' kindness and had never failed to make Jason laugh and Callum scowl when things weren't going too well.

And then there was Callum. Where could he even begun with Callum? Callum was his world, and that terrified him. Callum had seen every piece of him, every broken, mangled, ruined part, and hadn't looked away once. He'd stood with open arms, waiting patiently every time for Jason to relax and accept the comfort being offered to him. Day to day, Callum was happy to accept the difference in their social standings. It suited him perfectly, and not once had he ever shown any indication that it bothered him. But, at the end of the day, they fitted together like yin and yang.