Not Just Paranoia

There's that smile... that smile that makes my whole body shiver. I hate it.

There's that scent... that scent that makes my whole stomach turn. I hate it.

There's that look... that look that makes my entire entity boil. I hate it. I hate him... 

Almost everyone will go through at least one bad relationship in their lifetime. I just had mine. We were infatuated. It is college; it is a land for new discoveries, a place to find yourself, and a page for the start of a new chapter in your life.

He was different, not good looking nor the brightest, but he seemed like someone open and understanding. Something about him was attractive so I gave him a chance.

To begin with, we didn't have much to talk about, the longer we were together the more we had less to talk about. I quickly lost interest. I'm not shallow, in fact, I thought he was too good for me. I wanted to please him. I wanted to give him freedom. I wasn't clingy, I let him do what he wanted to do. However, it seemed that all he really wanted was to get into my pants. Not wanting to lose him, I gave in. He would constantly make dirty jokes. He never cared for me. When I would walk off alone in the middle of the night after he says something inappropriate. He wouldn't even call after to make sure I was alright, instead he would be back at his dorm, helping out another girl with her homework. I mean seriously, he held up his ice cream cone and licked it continuously saying it was my clit... that's disgusting. He knows I'm germaphobic yet he constantly pressured me to give him a blow job. On valentines day, not only did he not get me anything but he played that stupid computer game called League of Legends all day and not once called me up. But his gaming is not just limited to  just valentines day, but whenever I see him, he's playing that game. I had a night class at 8 pm on wednesday, he knows I hate walking to it by myself, but he never remembers. My friend whom I told once remembers, and not only did he walk me there but even walked me back to my dorm after my class. In public, it's like I'm not even there, everything seems more important than me.  

I also like making things and seeing him struggling in his classes, I made him a good luck charm for finals. I saw that he had a worn out weaved bracelet so I weaved several new ones for him. He said he wanted a jar of stars. I gave him a jar of 500 stars and wrote his wishes in them. What do I get? Not a single thing. 

At last, I could not put up with it anymore, so I called him up and told him we should just be friends. I want to be mature and not being one of those who ignore their exes. He started crying; he told me about how his family is falling apart and that he can't be there for me but he really did love me. I suddenly felt really bad and gave him a second chance. He said he'd think about. I should've just dropped it then because he's thinking about it.. really? I should be the one thinking about it and he should be the one asking for a second chance. I must be really stupid... 

After a few days, he said he'll take the second chance, and I agreed. I'm really stupid aren't I? And after a few weeks, nothing changed at all and I came to realized that I'm only with him now because I pited him. That was wrong and so I waited until after finals to end it. So I called him up again and I told him that we should break up, he said okay and walked away. I felt sad because I really did like him at first. I was truly hurt, he comes back and asks why. I had tears streaming and he's asking why I'm crying. He asked what went wrong. He's asking me why I'm crying. He asked what he could change for his next girlfriend. He told me this was a good experience and we're both just exploring and discovering. I felt like I was just an experiment like I was the only one we took our relationship seriously. I no longer want to be friends with him. I am done.

Over break, he adds my best friend who goes to a different school on facebook. That was when he crossed the line. They don't know each other. Then the one day I was ranting to my best friend about him because he kept calling and texting me. She got annoyed and decided to messaged him. This is basically what happened:

“stop fucking harassing my best friend and her friends. stop being stubborn, admit you fucked up, and move on. don’t bother replying to this either.” 

Then my ex replied:”lmfaooo are you kidding? where the fuck did you get this harassing from? my mistake of asking you for help, but what the fuck are you to tell me what to do?”

Then my friend replies, ”1) no I’m not fucking kidding. Give it up. Stop stressing her out. 2) You’re harassing everyone, own up to it. 3) I’m telling you to fuck off. stop being a fucking child.”

Then the guy replies, “excuse me. or i mean excuse you? how am i stressing anyone out?”

I can’t believe he actually wrote that to her. That is unacceptable in so many ways. This whiny bitch is seriously stressing me out. I’m so annoyed. My friend isn’t even being mean. He added her and messaged her on facebook after our breakup and nagged, bragged, and annoyed her for several hours. He doesn’t even know her. She doesn’t even come to the same school. What right does he have to do what he did? What right does he have to bother a busy person whom he doesnt even know. She was also stressing over school yet had to sit through hours of his shit. I can’t think straight because of this thickheaded idiot. I feel like I’d tear his face apart if I faced him so I made a really bitchy move and messaged him on facebook bascially telling him to get the fuck off and then blocked him shortly after not wanting a reply.

I seriously feel like I’m going to die. I'm started getting paranoid, like what if he goes insane and kills me. What if he starts stalking me? I can’t stand it. I’m constantly afraid of running into him and what sucks is that he has 3 long classes with me. I know he's been looking at me because he won't stop texting me. If he hadn’t been constantly calling and messaging me, as well as those around me, I wouldn’t even be having this paranoia problem. As much as I want to calm down, I can’t. Seriously, what is wrong with him? It’s so annoying. I can’t tell if he’s plain fucking retarded or just persistent. I’m pretty sure I said I wanted to end things completely when I dumped him. To even message my roommate and friends asking where I am. To message and bother my best friend who again doesn’t even go the same school and ask about me. Really? and everything he said to her. I’m really pissed off. He basically took away her precious study time to complain and whine. She tolerated it because she wanted to understand both sides but everything he said basically all sounded like excuses. She’s already stressed over school. What right does he have to bother her. Honestly by definition, isn’t all this persistence, the constant calling and messaging, a form of harassment?

I’d really like to call up the authorities and put a restraining order on him..