It's Never Too Late

Chapter 1

          It was always me or nothing. I didn't want help... To be honest, I didn't think I needed it. Ever since I got to this stage, I lacked in everything. Grades, love, family, trust, and more. I never wanted to tell the truth because I knew how hurt the people, I loved, would be. I tried for three years, to hide it.

5 years ago

My parents found out.. like always. I was so stupid. After they found out, they decided to take me somewhere. While we were on that "road trip," my mom decided to make some conversation. She ranted on and on to me about what I did, what i'm doing, and how it hurts them. but in that time of her ranting to me so decided to make the worst decision of her life. While she was talking to me, she ended her lecture with the sentence.... "What happened? You are not my daughter. If you ever find her, tell her that i'm looking her because I want her back." That's what mom said. It hurt, a lot.

For the rest of the ride... I had to hold back my tears. It was the worst. I don't think I have hated myself that much before. It sucked. Except that day changed my life. It changed the way I looked at things, the way I did things, and it changed the thoughts when I was alone.

Present

So ever since that day, five years ago.. Nothing's been the same. I was talking to my best friend one day...

"I feel like poop." I said.

"Well, that's never good." He laughed. He thought I was joking.

"I'm serious. Why am I even here?" I said with a straight face.

"Here... As in school?" He asked.

"I mean, here... As in, life." I said looking away.

He paused. He didn't know how to respond but he knew something happened.

"You are here in this life because God wanted you here." He sat there, staring at me.

"But why? Why would he want screw ups like me?" I asked hesitantly.

"He has to experiment." He started to laugh. All he wanted to do was cheer me up.

"Wow. Okay." I started laughing.

That was probably the highlight of my day. It was a depressing conversation but at least it ended out somewhat okay.

3 years ago

It was an okay day so far. I went to school and learned stuff that I didn't think I would need later in life. After school, well... That was different. When I went home, my whole mood changed. Who thinks I would want to go home?! That's right. No one knows therefore they wouldn't consider thinking that I wouldn't want to go home. I pull into the driveway and just sit there. After sitting there for awhile, I finally go inside.

I go inside and put my stuff down. Eventually I make it to the kitchen. I try to help my parents make dinner but my mom and I eventually get in a fight. I don't even remember what it was about. Over something stupid, I'm guessing. It happens all the time now. But we get at it. She's yelling at me, right close up to my face. I want to defend myself but I also want to cry so much.

After she gets done yelling, I rush to my room. I get there and all of a sudden I break down. I fall to the ground, and start balling my eyes out. This is when my depression started.

2 years ago

I was at home alone. I just got back from riding in the car with my mom. I don't even know what happened. At one point we were just fine, and then she was yelling at me for no reason... Sometimes I just get this thought in my head where I think "Why?" Everything I ask either start or end with "Why?" Why does this happen? Why do I get the rough end of the stick? Why am I the one who this happens to? Why? Why? WHY?!?!

1 year ago

A couple days ago, I had a break down. I cried all seminar. I freaked out on my best friend. I just couldn't do it. They asked me "Is there someplace you can go?" I thought... I wish.

Present

Thinking back on those last 5 years. I thought, "What did I turn into?" I have hated myself ever since. I could never get rid of my depression no matter how hard I tried. So many people knew, yet so few tried to help. It really didn't matter anyways. My friend and I the other day had this conversation...

"Why do you feel this way?" He'd ask me this question all the time.

"I don't mean to. It just happens." I explained.

Eventually he'd ask me more. I'd end up saying something like this...

"Once you get to that point where you don't care anymore. Nothing matters. To me, by the end of the day... I always ended up thinking, I don't wanna go home. I think, what could I do to prevent myself from going home. In my mind, it works for awhile but eventually I end up back home. Nothing I do works. I go to school with a fake smile on my face because I hate when people ask me if something's wrong. I tramp around with this BIG smile that isn't even real. Now.. What did I do to deserve this?

You don't know how hard I try to get over all of this crap. Sometimes it gets so hard that I cry at the most randomist points. I've cried in the shower before because there's water, therefore nobody would think it was tears. I've cried myself to sleep... People wonder why it takes me an hour to go to sleep now. It's because I've cried so many times, it just kinda becomes a routine. Therefore my body is used to me laying in bed but waiting an hour to shut down. I'm used to it but that doesn't mean that other people understand." I paused.

He just kind of looked at me. This is the time where I wish I could tell what people are thinking instead of being in complete silence. He was still processing what just happened. I wasn't surprised. I get that reaction all the time. But I usually give up, and that's what I did. I looked at him one last time and then started to get up. I started to walk away when I heard him say "Stop."

I ended up stopping and turning around. He stood up and just looked at me.

"I'm sorry" He said.

"For what?" I asked.

"For not being there when I needed to be." He said softly.

"It's okay. I'm used to it." I replied.

"But you shouldn't be. That's just terrible."

"I'm terrible. It fits perfectly."

"No it doesn't."

"Yes, it does."

He just looked at me like I was stupid. Well.. maybe I was? All I knew was that I was never getting out of that depression. It was basically my life by now. Even he couldn't get me out. Why I say that is because my parents used to always say "Friends come and go but Family is here to stay." Yes he is my friend but that doesn't mean anything. I always thought that saying was fake. My friends were there more than my family were or are.