THE ADVENTURES OF MY COUSIN SMOOTH ***
Produced by The Digital Library Program at Indiana University and formatted by Mark Meiss.
THE
ADVENTURES
OF MY
COUSIN SMOOTH.
BY
TIMOTHY TEMPLETON.
OF TEWKSBURY.
New York and Auburn: MILLER, ORTON & MULLIGAN,
New York: 25 Park Row--Auburn: 107 Genesee St. London: W.T. Tweedle, Strand, and David Bryce, 48 Paternoster Row.
1856.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by
MILLER, ORTON & MULLIGAN,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York.
Edward R. Jenkins, Printer, Nos. 26 Frankfort Street.
CONTENTS.
Some Particulars respecting Cousin Smooth CHAPTER I. --Mr. Smooth in Washington CHAPTER II. --Mr. Smooth Sups, and goes to Bed CHAPTER III. --In which Mr. Smooth has an Interview with General Cass CHAPTER IV. --Mr. Smooth's Dream CHAPTER V. --A Morning Adventure CHAPTER VI. --Mr. Smooth finds his Path to the White House a difficult one CHAPTER VII. --Mr. Smooth Penetrates the Dark Confines of Mr. Pierce's Kitchen, where he finds things sadly confused CHAPTER VIII. --Mr. Solomon Smooth takes a Fish Breakfast CHAPTER IX. --Mr. Smooth Circumnavigates the Globe CHAPTER X. --Smooth preserves Young America's Rights CHAPTER XI. --Mr. Smooth is Right Side up CHAPTER XII. --Mr. Smooth makes a few Reflections CHAPTER XIII. --Mr. Smooth sees a Country great in Resources blighted by a Narrow Policy CHAPTER XIV. --Done Brown in Downing Street CHAPTER XV. --His little Lordship's Show, and a Peep into Downing Street CHAPTER XVI. --Smooth Dines with Citizen Peabody CHAPTER XVII. --Smooth looks in upon the Mixed Commission CHAPTER XVIII.--Smooth receives the Documents, and calls a Congress at Ostend CHAPTER XIX. --Smooth Discovers Himself CHAPTER XX. --Arrival and Grand Reception at Ostend CHAPTER XXI. --Fashionable Debts and Fashionable Diplomatists CHAPTER XXII. --How Smooth got his Manners CHAPTER XXIII.--Mr. Smooth proposes taking Mr. Pierce's Fighting by the Job CHAPTER XXIV. --Mr. Pierce sends Smooth Down East among Britishers CHAPTER XXV. --The Pious Squire CHAPTER XXVI. --Smooth encounters a Colonial Justice of strange Character CHAPTER XXVII.--Smooth settles all International Difficulties, and proposes maintaining the very best Understanding with John Bull
ADVENTURES OF MY COUSIN SMOOTH.
SOME PARTICULARS RESPECTING COUSIN SMOOTH
No uncommon type of our "Young America" is Mister Solomon Smooth, the individual whose part in these sketches was performed for General Pierce in particular, and "Uncle Sam" in general. Mr. Smooth was born and "growed" on the extreme south point of Cape Cod--a seemingly desolate spot, yet somewhat renowned as the birthplace of Long Tom Coffin. If I would select one of our nation's 'cutest sons; if I were called upon to name the kind of man with that in his natural composition to make the safest, shrewdest, and most calculating merchant; if I were called to pass judgment on the man most qualified to sustain the spirit and characteristics of the American nation abroad--one who would never betray our national energy, nor degrade his profession, nor fail to seek that which might promote the interests of those who reposed trust in him, at the same time never forgetting his own--if I were about forming an expedition, and would provide myself with that character of man upon whom the issue of its success most depends; if, I say, I would seek the man possessing those rigid qualities of a moral nature which are a sure protection against doing aught that may degrade the councils of a nation, I would make this sandy cape my starting point, and draw from the upward growth of that stern energy to be found among those flourishing, energetic, and intelligent communities embraced within that circle which terminates at Cape Ann, and between the circling arms of which two capes heaves Boston Bay. But Smooth, though somewhat primitive in his personal appearance, is none of your common Cape Cod coasters, such as your Captain Doanes, and Cooks, and Ryders, and Clapps. Not he! So slender of person is he, that there can be no particular impropriety in our drawing a comparison between him and that peculiar type of per son commonly called a Virginian bean-pole. Nor, when he gets himself (as is not uncommon with him) "all over" native brown homespun, does his configuration materially change, there yet remaining, and boldly refusing to be disguised, that face so full of penetration, and those features so sharp. The waggishly inclined have identified them with the wizardry of dividing storm currents. Nevertheless, of this lean conformation, which is better within than the world without is in general willing to admit, is Smooth particularly proud. In manner, Smooth is piquant; and being an acknowledged member of the fast school--that is, a disciple of manifest destiny in particular and Model Republics in general--he accepts the mission so kindly proffered him by his unfortunate friend, Mr. General Pierce, and has no objection to giving the world and kingcraft (the latter rudderless, and drifting on those quicksands of common sense which it were well for nations had they proved destructive centuries ago) a few lessons in the go-ahead principle. What Smooth means to convey by the go-ahead principle, is simply that when common sense triumphs universal in a nation, sycophantism dies, and with it that pest of peoples, kingcraft! So, with the most amiable intentions, does Solomon set out for Washington, to have a first talk with General Pierce: this talk he hopes will be a prelude to putting straight the nationalities now drifting on the rock of intrigue, without that safety-valve which a people fully conscious of enjoying their rights can give. And while thus employed, Smooth does not forget that it is a well laid down rule that many small Presidents may talk very large and yet cut very ridiculous figures: hence his first talk with Mr. Pierce, who is well known for general and very respectable characteristics, may be productive of great good to mankind in a mass. In New England educated, (that land where niggers may be white men, and white men too often turn niggers), loving universal rights, peace to consolidate a nation's good, and keep down that martial spirit which is its cankering curse--being tenacious of freedom in its broadest acceptation, and commercial prosperity with a general diffusion of its results, it is Mr. Smooth's candid opinion that ere another century rolls into the page of time America will whip, feed, civilize, and republicanize the great American continent. Could this be done at an earlier period, so much the better for mankind in general. Smooth was borne out in this opinion from the fact that Europe had got into a great fuzzle, the result of which was an equally great fight. Kingdoms and empires had become disordered, their craft was stranded; potentates were turning their people into minions of slaughter. Nicholas (modest god of all the Russias) thought his murdering a few thousands an act most pious: it was all for the sake of Christianity and a very small holy _rite!_ On the other hand, there was Mister John Bull, so dogged at times, and yet so hard to hold once his propensity for fighting somebody was excited, hurling very unchristian lead and steel into. Nicholas's subtle-headed serfs. But the thing most wondrous was, that Uncle John, now foaming with the fever of war, had got Johnny Crappo at his back instead of his belly--a fact that would be recorded on the strangest page of history. Strange fighting companions were they; but as pig and dog do now and then become bed-fellows, who can give too much expression to his surprise at this strange Anglo-French combination? Let the world say what it will with reference to our worthy friend Uncle John fighting the battle of Mohamedanism--let it lay at his door the grave charge of degrading himself by seeking to make firm the rotten props of one of the most debased governments that has stained the history of the world with its crimes, John will humanely acknowledge the charge while forwarding to Turkey a copious edition of his "Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge."
