embrace the darkness

the dark.

here i am, sitting down in my living room watching the new episode of walking dead. the gore in this show is cheap and unrealistic but this is the most relaxed i've been in ages. god it feels good to let out your frustrations, my therapist was right. "talk it out.." he said "...it'll be good for you." did you know you walk past 7 psychopaths a day? thats an average though, and most of them aren't the stigma of being murderous crazy blood thirsty monsters that tv portray pretty badly...no they are just like you but with a little chip in their armor. let me tell you about me...i don't have a care in the world i work make good enough money, have a girlfriend, a car, and hell, i'm looking for a place of my own. which is more than most people can say. i have my flaws though, you see i just can't help it but when i talk to a person my heart beats just a few ticks faster. why? well because my mind loves to entertain me on ways to kill them...a knife to the throat of my dick boss. a steel toe boot winded up ready to crush a baby's innocent face. you get the point. i love watching it flood through my mind. i even chuckle a little bit right now thinking about it.

i haven't always been like this. my life wasn't always a pleasant one but it was enough for me. you might be wondering to yourself where does such dark intents come from? was i molested? nope. was i dropped on the head as i child? nu uh. did i just get lucky? possibly. trust is just like the joker batman i don't know where it came from... it's always been there, deep corners in my mind, always the everlasting presence.oh sure i've experienced all manner of feelings but that darkness has always been there. one day i met it. no , not some solid black shape that i could only see in the corner of my eye bullcrap but in my mind. he's... me or should i say the true me. the one who i can never ever let out. not because of fear of being judge oh god no, but because of the arm he can do if i just...let go. so he sits...waiting looking at my world through my eyes waiting for me to snap. he grin of excitement and joy. i'm jealous of...it. i'm jealous because the happiness that this one single dark being as achieved is something i would never have. no i could have it if i just...crossed the line. he causes pain to me he gives horrible headaches when i hold him back. "LET ME OUT." he always tells me this everyday...his rough sharp voice commanding me to release him from his mental prison.sometimes it is tempting....no cares or worries just let someone else take the wheel once in awhile. we all had that feeling just to let go and go on autopilot come back for the important things? yeah that'd be the dream.

one day i came home from work. it was a rough day my boss was up my ass about these stupid test parts....just a rough ride. my dumbass friend was complaining about how selfish i've been for not waiting on him beck and call. asswipe. anyway i park my car at my usual spot and lock the doors. nissan altima all black and more reliable than 90% of my friends. i adore this car. i walk across the street and see my prison. excuse me i mean home with my "loving and amazing" parents who do no wrong. ha! yeah right. life lesson number one kids everyone lies and to you over confident few who say you never have? shut up. you and i both know you have. there i am standing in front of this 2 floor aged white house with black shutters. the lawn is dying usual thing for the winter months. i distract myself anyway possible so i can avoid...them. my darkness is already rattling its cage wanting to break free wanting to take over but i don't let it you would think for years he would stop trying but no he doesn't. he must be me because he is stubborn. i walk up my 40 foot cracked driveway all lumpy with little hills and valleys scattered across. its brings me a chuckle. seeing my father out there during those long hot summer days trying his damnedest just to fix one crack. personally i always thought it was a futile effort. wasted energy instead of fixing a driveway always made him come in slam doors like some 2 year old who didn't have his way, quite amusing sometimes. i walk up to the old wooden stairs put here before i was born. the squeaks and creaks showed its age. my heart is beating even faster now. i can hear them. bad mood as usual and waiting for something to lash it out on. lucky for me i'm here for them.