I don't fit in. Nowhere. People try. And I can tell. It never works. There's never someone who thinks like me. Acts like me. One of the disadvantages of my body is I can't control it. I'm a clumsy idiot. I never know my own strength and I'm always hurting people. My body isn't comfortable. Not only am I physically above anyone else, I have always had a more mature mind. I only ever fit in with the mentors. The teachers. The leaders. Even then I don't fit in. My peers look at me like I'm crazy because when I try to fit in, I can't. I end up.doing weird things. I don't realize that I'm only pushing myself farther away.
I started wrestling so I could gain better physical control. And did for a while. Wrestling ended Friday. I'm already back to hurting people. I act the way I do because it makes people laugh. When they are laughing, they aren't being hurt. By me or others. All I do is harm those around me and I'm tired of it but there's nothing I can do. The only people I get along with are people that can hurt me back. The people who aren't aware of there own strength either. Why do you think I have such a strong bond with Landon? I somehow can unravel social problems but not my own. Why do you think that?
I have said before I put barriers up. It's because if I don't people get hurt. I often lose myself in service because(this is going to sound stereotypical) it puts me in better sync. With my mind and body. It puts me to good use and helps instead of hurts. I wish I could be like that always but that is running from the problem. Not solving it.
