These Days

Guilt is Strong With This One

It took way too long for Sherlock to get accustomed to the fact that John had kissed him. His mind was still buzzing and his entire body was numb, but it wouldn't process in his brain for quite a while. He couldn't just sit around in his chair or on his bed, he feverishly paced around the room, tapping his fingers on his leg and smiling ridiculously to himself. What had done it, what had been the defining moment in John's sudden interest? Was it the shirt, was it his hair, was it just the right string of words at the right moment to finally pry that miserable golden band of his beautiful finger? Either way it was perfect, either way, somehow, John's lips had meet his in the perfect string of events to make absolute magic. But would Mary find out, would she want revenge? Had someone seen them, was it all just a bit set up to see if Sherlock would actually go for it? Sherlock turned on his heel to face the door, as if expecting Mary to be standing there with a team of cops behind her. Sherlock didn't actually know if having an affair was illegal, you hear about in books and in movies, but he had no idea what to do. Surely they wouldn't get caught; surely it wouldn't continue would it? But it had happened, and Sherlock had no idea what in his life he had done right to deserve that. But John, what would John do? He had betrayed his wife, turned his back on his child, this was all Sherlock's fault... No, no it wasn't. John had kissed him, but then again, Sherlock could've refused. Sherlock was being torn in half but he decided that now he should celebrate with himself. The impossible was possible, and he had just proved that. He could worry about the what ifs tomorrow, face the consequences of such magical actions, who even cared anymore? He had what he wanted, he could face a life sentence in prison and he wouldn't really mind. As long as he knew that someone as amazing as John Watson could be wooed by him, that was all he needed.    

      John POV. The entire ride home John couldn't concentrate, he was swerving like a drunk and constantly thought he had to pull over to avoid killing himself. What had he just done, he had wrecked his entire life with only one kiss. He still hadn't put the ring back on; it was bouncing around in the cup holder with every jerk of the wheel. How could he ever go back, how could he ever be the same now that he knew his loyalty just shattered beneath him? Mary would be furious, Hamish would be heart broken, his family and life would be destroyed. But Sherlock, oh goodness Sherlock, what would he do? He might call Mary; ask for a conference to inform her of her husband's treachery. Would he tell Hamish, would he discuss it with his class about horrible treason and how you should be loyal? But it was worth it, John knew, with deep seated guilt that whatever was coming his way was worth it. Maybe he had caught Sherlock a bit off guard, maybe he had been too unpredictable and too aggressive, but he knew that the kiss had been the best of his life; it matched even his wedding day. Maybe it was the thrill of an adventure, that finally he had something to be sneaking around with, he finally had his own secret. But he was sure it wouldn't last long, Sherlock was a good man, he would know that what had happened was wrong and do something about it. But he hadn't pulled away, he didn't try to confront John with the wrong, he had been flustered, beyond words. Was it possible that Sherlock had wanted this as much as he had? When John got home it was close to eight and Mary was sitting up at the counter, eating a bowl of ice cream with only the sink light to illuminate the entire house. She was wearing her bathrobe over her pajamas, obviously waiting for John to return home. He had jammed his wedding ring back on, but the mere glimpse of the woman he had to call his wife, he felt such horrible guilt to know he had betrayed her.
"You're back late dear." She pointed out.
"Ya, sorry." John muttered. "He's a bit of a talker."
"Everything okay, you look a bit pale." She decided.
"I'm just tired, really tired, long day." John muttered, looking anywhere but in her eyes. She might be able to see more in his eyes than he'd want her to, like the green emotions swimming in Sherlock's pupils.
"I'm sure it has been." Mary agreed. "Is he still creepy?"
"No Mary, he's not creepy." John sighed.
"Oh, sorry, I forgot we were over that." she decided, pushing aside her empty ice cream bowl and leaning back on the counter. "What did he talk about?"
"Oh, just you know, the school, he complained about his life for a little while." John shrugged.
"What's so bad about his life?" Mary asked. Just that I'm married to you.
"I guess the pay isn't that bad, he had a falling out with his family..."
"And no girl would even want to spit in his direction." Mary muttered.
"Ya, there's that." John agreed. And they better not, or John will be there with a shovel and a hard hat ready to beat their sorry butts away.
"Yes well, not going to say he doesn't deserve it." Mary shrugged.
"He doesn't." John almost whispered in a deep, aggressive voice.
"What was that?" Mary asked.
"Nothing, I'm going to bed." John decided, feeling like he was in a giant spotlight. Mary was sure to figure it out, she would know of his betrayal, what would happen when that moment came? John stalked up to his bedroom, wanting to say goodnight to Hamish but finding his door closed and the light off. So John changed into his pajamas and slipped into bed, sighing with the guilt that was eating him away. He hoped Sherlock was feeling the same way, guilty but relieved, maybe even a bit excited. It had finally happened; the two of them might just be able to be more than awkward friends.