Path To Forgiveness

That Grudge (Anonymous)

         I decided to take off the work thing today, I'm so tired, and after the whole baby daddy drama last night I can just lay down all day. I looked at this picture of my mom who deceased over two months ago. It's so hard knowing she didn't approve of anything im doing right now. We use to bump heads all the time when I walked in at 4 am from the strip club. I mean can I be honest, I payed for her bills and I was not going to be homeless at all. Females can't stand me around Bulex Neighborhood. They call me all the names in the book, and if it wasn't for my daughter I would have been fighting any female who have anything slick to say. My mom was A christian but my dad taught me to defend myself. 

Pops died two years ago. He flew many planes and that was the only way our food supply came through. One day in the afternoon A plane was reported down in Island Bay Ocean. He was drinking before entering the plane since mom and him had a big argument. Drinking was sometimes his only way out, and he died killing 60 other people. Most of them people had huge families who cared so much about them, and I was so hated for having the drunken dad. People called me up yelling "I hope your dad burns in hell ! '' . Well, I know my dad will fly high and all the 60 other people, because I prayed everyday to have god forgive him. God loves all his children, and my dad made A huge mistake.  I just hope he's resting, and I hurt everyday because that's something im not sure of. 

A call buzzed on my phone. 

AV. 

"Hello?" I answered

"Hey, Baby this is Avant. Avant Collins.Remember me ?"

"uhhh, of course!, but How did you get my number?" I asked.

" I visited the bar, and got your info. I had to get to you fast!" 

"A..vant why me? I'm a stripper. You don't need me , I promise you don't. I gotta go....

"Nooo...Torii! ...

I hung up the call as I sat there in silence. Was he tricking my mind? A man that handsome, and wealthy couldn't possibly want me. I'm a stripper. Avant called about 10 times in a row afterwards, but I cut the call off all the times. I called crystianna, maybe she could help. 

"Hello, ?" She answered, with these rude ass voice .

"Bitch, This lawyer wants to be with me, what to.....

"Wait, *Laughs*, A lawyer? Wants to speak to you? You ain't shit but A stripper who won't get that far, what the fuck he want with you ?" Crystianna said as I got speechless.

"Chris, I just wanted.....advice"

"And now you got it, We are strippers, realize these men don't want nothing but the Kitty hiding under the covers. You also have A daughter who you damn sure don't watch daily, then you leave her with A fucking rapist thinking its gone help ya'll out ! You have no brain, He raped you, he can do the same to your daughter. The sad thing is you are A confused helpless ass women, with No future. "

I hung up the call. I never knew that's how Chris felt about me period. I guess when A good thing comes, you lose the ones you thought meant the most to you.  Is it true when they say your heart actually feel like its broken when you hurt? , Cause mines do . It feel like my heart has split in two , between me and my life. Every time I step out to rebuild my life, im moving two steps backwards. 

                 I got dressed and went out to my mother burial site . I laid her favorite flowers down on her tombstone.  I started crying as I sat on the ground. "Mother, Please forgive me! I'm just trying to make it out here . Your granddaughter is doing great, and I know you hate me for leaving her with Trevor, but I don't have time to stay throughout the day.....

I felt this cold air on my shoulders as I shut my eyes. All my words grown speechless, It was like she was touching my soul to correct my life and correct my chances. This feeling was the best feeling ever, and I didn't want to let it go. My tears dried, and I looked up at the sky and smiled. Was it my mother who just touched me? I don't know, but that wasn't no human on earth who can give me the courage like that. The wind blew through my hair, and I got up and said "Thank You" .

After getting back home Lexii was on the couch waiting for me to get back home. "Hey gorgeous, how was school?"

"Horrible" Lexii responded "I got suspended"

I threw my purse on the counter angrily. "Why in the hell who you get suspended for?"I asked yelling. 

"Mom, Chill please....

"No, Let me know!, because I told you , Following in my footsteps would be the most horrible thing for you to do."

"I had to fight because, The kids were talking about you! Mom, they was calling you a hoe saying you pay for my clothes by getting butt na....

"SHUT UP! NOW! Go to your room , Lexii !"

Lexii started crying as she ran upstairs. 

"Lord please... Lead my daughter and I in the right direction" I said to myself as I slid on the floor crying. 

That night I went to Pixies for my night shift. As I walked in this place I caught chills. I hated coming in here, especially after what crystianna said to me. 

"Look at her, she think she the shit now cause of that lawyer *Laughs" Crystianna said to one of her friends. 

"Bitch, just because don't nobody want your fat, over sized hoe ass don't mean anything!" I yelled. 

Chris started running up on me when her girls grabbed her.

"Don't worry about that dumb bitch, he gone give up on her soon" Yelled Jolly one of the strippers who I use to partner with .

"    Ya'll bitches are pathetic,look at ya'll, we are Strippers! Ya'll think im happy to be here? No! You bitches got so use to being like this, that you believe this is the only way out. I have an 12 year old daughter to take care of, and Chris was suppose to be my damn friend! She turned on me because a man treasured my body like gold, instead of coal ! If one day someone appreciate you girls, and she turn on you because of jealousy then will you hate me? Come on now, bitches like her fold every minute !, but No hold up, Chris isn't a bad person she just don't know how good it is to be in this world. I'm just letting ya'll know im not here to be any of you bitches friend, cause I can care less but show each other way more respect ! I'm gone strip until I feel I want to stop, and no hoe will stop me !" 

I walked away angry as hell, but with a good ass feeling.