cookies | ✓

Merry Christmas

"C'mon Dylan! Look at yourself. How can you even think that a girl like Lily who is so amazing can love you?"

"But m.."

"GOSH! I would seriously die if that ever happened. In fact, if a girl ever fell in love with you then I am seriously gonna say that even Tom Cruise can love me! See the comparison? Your forty five year old mom who has nothing on her face except the eyes, a nose, a forehead, lips, teeth, cheeks and infinite wrinkles is saying that Tom Cruise, I repeat Tom Cruise can love me!"

"Bu.."

"Enough Dylan. I am late for my office now. And for god sake, stop being so girly! You cry over every single damn thing. You are twenty two and all you do the entire day is sit on your couch in front of this TV and eat your goddamn cookies. Look at your belly. It has more weight than all my clothes and accessories and footwear put together. Why don't you just go and shed some kilos? Maybe then you'll get someone whom you love. I am leaving now!"

"Mom?"

"What is it now?"

"Merry Christmas."

"Christmas?"

"Yeah."

"Oh! Me... I need to go now."

So that was my mom. 

It's not like that she hates me or considers me to be a burden or a disgrace to her, but sometimes she just lets out all her frustration, all her anger and all her suppressed pain out on me; the pain of losing my dad, the anger of working for someone who is nearly fifteen years younger to her and the frustration of working day and night. I do understand all this and sometimes I feel good that I help her to feel better, but then I do have a heart, right? And it does feel bad to hear your own mother calling you fat, useless and saying that nobody can love me. 

Is it so bad to be a fat guy? Or rather a fat person? Is it really impossible for someone to fall in love or at least be good friends with someone who maybe has twenty five kilos more than they have? 

For me, this is weird. 

When you fall in love, you look for someone's heart, right? When you become friends with someone, you look for their heart, right? When you look for your life partner, you again see their heart, right? So for me all that matters is a person's heart. And so far I am not aware about a relationship between someone's health and their heart. 

After my mom left for the office, I couldn't help but cry and this is what I do every day and every night. I cry to myself for being the way I am; I cry to myself for not being able to help out my mother; I cry to myself when people call me "the fat girl "; and I cry to myself for not being loved by anyone.

 Yes, I weigh hundred and five kilos even when I am just twenty two. Yes, I cry over every little issue. Yes, it hurts me whenever people call me fat. And yes, I like the color pink more than I like the color blue. So what? I do have a heart that has been broken quite a few times. I do have a soul that longs for some support. And I am falling under the category of "Male" even when I shed tears almost every not and then.  

It's Christmas today. The roads are covered with snow and the grass looks impeccably beautiful as the little white snowflakes lay on them. All the houses nearby are decorated with the tuning balls and everyone is waiting for the Santa Claus to come tonight and fulfill all their wishes. But my house looks different. There are no lights, no decoration, no Christmas tree and no excitement. Neither me nor my mom is waiting for the Santa to come because in so many years we have realized that nobody in this world can actually make your dreams come true other than you yourself.