Morituri te Salutamus

Chapter 5

Vilitas (Worthless)

EVERY SECOND, YOU DIE A LITTLE

Fifth in Line

Oh, look at you. Smiling and happy. I bet that feels good, doesn't it. Joy. Reminiscence. Death. 

 I cannot start to understand what you humans see in your pitiful, ugly world. All you do is infect, destroy, and corrupt anything beautiful. That is, if it was to begin with. My spite against you isn't because something you're doing, have done or will continue to do. It's your pathetic nature that sickens me. Luxurious houses, giggling children, succulent foods--what good does it do you when your cold body is buried six feet underground?

Surely Innoxias and the others have told you of your binding fate. Wandering listlessly in a deserted land with nothing but the cold soil beneath your feet to bid you comfort. Then again, I'm sure you're going to find some way to convince yourself that this is all a dream. We don't exist. I'll break it to you early. Death is closer than you can ever imagine and I'll be waiting, right here, for as long as it takes to be the first one to shake your hand when you arrive. That's right. I want to be the first one to see your innocent, childish face to realize I was always right and you, you were wrong.

Words like these probably come off strong and hateful. Good news: if you thought such, you can take a hint. Your mother was the one who would protect you from your nightmares, not me. To be blunt, I'm just helping you cope for what's to come. Nothing beyond this point should come as a surprise. If we're doing our jobs right (if I can even call documenting the torture we've lived through as an occupation), by the end of the introduction you should be able to keep up.

Now my sob story. I was twenty-one, new to Westgate and bought a house with my husband. Three weeks after we moved in I found out I was pregnant. A fat bundle of joy inside me. Sounds like a dream come true, until the big surprise shows up for Christmas. I guess good times don't last forever. We went in for a doctor's appointment and it turned into a PET scan. That means they were looking for cancer cells lurking somewhere in my body. It just so happened I had a brain tumor on the medulla, the most vital part. Chances of survival little to none. So, we waited it out and "got me comfortable" for what society thinks is a peaceful end. Sitting around your house, no more tears to cry, with sobbing relatives cursing at the wind. Nothing to change your end, and no way to go back.

As a child, I had severe asthma, so no one suspected I may have had a malignant tumor in my brain exactly where the lungs are controlled. It's almost ironic. Contrary to most people, I don't find it funny and I'm tired of pretending it is. It's very easy to laugh and laugh until you find yourself crying instead. Interesting how well two emotions are easily mistaken for one another. Comedy, tragedy...are they all that different? After all, we tend to think of misfortunes in the past as humorous spectacles, even when at the time they were horrible moments in our existence. Now I want to share one moment with you, and whether it's a comedy or tragedy is up to you.

Oblitus was in love. Yes, the boy was actually in love. People tell me I have a way with people (surprising with this hard, pessimistic demeanor) and can see through lies very easily, and I did with Oblitus and her. The lucky girl was one of us. Not just another Awakened, but one of the seven. I'm sure Innoxias mentioned her; that girl can never keep her trap shut. Why she can't be more like Egens, I'll never know, but that's besides the point. Before I came along, there was another girl (who would be replaced by Acerbitas, who you'll meet later), Luctisonus. A quiet child, she was. Never put in her opinion unless you forced her to. They had obviously known each other while alive simply because you couldn't keep them apart. Always talking, laughing, sharing secrets. I don't believe anything ever blossomed from that, though. They didn't remember each other in the real world. All they knew was they had a connection as the Awakened, unaware of a previous one.

One day, before going out to search for clues to our pasts, Luctisonus came to me. She asked me if I remembered what it was like to die. Not sure what her intentions were, I answered with a simple yes but nothing more. Her voice suddenly became strained.

"Whenever I talk to Oblitus, I feel something cold and hard in the back of my throat. Do you ... do you think it's possible he's connected to my past? Can it be that...Oh, Vilitas, I feel like I know how I died but it's so far, far from my reach and impossible to find."

"Darling, don't think of it that way...Surely you don't think he could have done something to you? Why, I think if he had something to do with this mess, you would know by now."

"Vilitas...I think I...I committed suicide. With a gun. The feeling in my mouth must be a clue. Like a bullet. Vilitas, it gets so hard to speak and I--I can't find my voice. As if suddenly I've come down with a cold."

Her aura flickered like a weakening candle, the pale rosy color shimmering softly in the gloom.

"I-I'm sorry. I need to go...there's something I must do. Thank you, Vilitas. You're so kind. I don't know why the others say you're so cold and heartless--you're very thoughtful and forgiving. I'll never forget what you've done, and will continue to do." Her aura continued convulsing. The only reason it may do that is if the Awakened is feeling strong emotions...strong enough to be reckless.

"Whatever you do, Luctisonus...be sure you know what it is."

The whole time I wish I had a gun in my mouth. But who am I to speak, I died of cancer. I should be some happy heroine now that my pain's over. My life would never end with solid metal lodged in my head. That feeling would never justify the anger and insufficiency I felt throughout my long, painful death. Simply enough to say, it isn't right to assume you know someone's pain. Because, in fact, you don't.

Conversations like that usually don't result in a happy ending. In this case, she faded. We assume it was after my conversation with her, that she decided to go away and end the suffering then and there. You can't begin to understand how many times I've said "What if I ..." or "If I just". I can never stop thinking of that beautiful, pink light violently shaking until it dimmed forever. My decision was to let her go. I don't know why I did. Something about the innocent words flowing from her mouth led me to believe she wasn't strong enough to fade. How wrong I was, and always will be. A coward, that's exactly what I am. The truth of how I let one of the most priceless, most guileless Awakened slip from my fingers without a second glance. Oblitus will never know I let her go.

The worst part? Something inside told me to watch her fade. So that's exactly what I did. Staring off into the distance until the blushed flame burnt out. Hatred was building up at how blind she was to pain, suffering and the thought you may never find relief. Perhaps that was her punishment. Ignorance. The torment of never knowing why things are the way they are could drive you insane, but how is having that knowledge any better? How is your position any different than before by knowing your mother is slowly losing grip on reality and your husband is a suicidal drunk? Nothing. Nothing will change and you live with it until you discover all of the unbearable secrets you've forgotten.

Next time you gluttons fatten yourselves up at a holiday gathering, think twice about what you're truly thankful for. Every bite of that meal is one step closer to your last. Make every breath count as you are slowly choking on your own air. Allow every thought to be expressed one way or another, because one day no one will listen. No one will hear your screams, your laments, your apologies. Don't wait, don't hesitate, don't even waste a second thinking about how your outfit looks when you can be telling someone how much you love them. When I bit the dust, the only thing I told my husband was to fill the car up with gas. How tactless I was, thinking I could live forever while I slowly suffocated.

Like I said, I'll be here, daydreaming of your Awakening. A blinding, violet blaze waiting to shake your hand. Take your time. I'll be here for eternity, waiting for your soul to show up like a lost child in the dark. Don't worry. It won't be long now.