until proven innocent [novahd]

iv.

Risperdone. Wellbutrin. Ativan.

Ativan was for James' bad days, which nowadays were nearly everyday. When he felt his mood was fluctuating increasingly or when his anxiety was flaring up, he would just take that 10mg of the little white pill. In his mind, it was known as his "safety pill."

Wellbutrin was to help him ween off of Lamictal, which he had been on for years until it was discovered he needed stronger medication. It was taken everyday with his other medication in hopes to settle his addiction.

And finally, Risperdone. It was James' biggest pill. His doctor prescribed it to him once he showed symptoms of becoming immune to Lamictal. It was antipsychotic medication. Once he heard that from the doctor, it stuck with him, dug under his skin, and grabbed so tightly it hurt. His mind wandered with a million different thoughts, but the most recurring one was that word: psychotic.

At age 15, James was "lucky" enough to go through a stage of depression. He sat in bed for hours and refused to go to school, and when his mother forced him to, he daydreamed about ways he could kill himself with objects in the room before he'd politely ask to go to the bathroom and stay in there until one of his teachers found him hunched over the toilet, sobbing. That (and a call to his mother) was what landed him with a psychiatrist, who misdiagnosed him with clinical depression. And by some odd coincidence, on his 16th birthday, he had a fit of hallucinations, causing him to cancel his party and was left screaming into a pillow for the rest of the day. The next day he was told by his doctor that he was probably just doing it for attention but nonetheless, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

James was prescribed with Lamictal and it helped for a while, but he periodically had to be given stronger dosages as he got older. At 23, his hallucinations became more frequent, and it didn't help that he was growing more immune to his medication. The way Aleks described it, during his delusions, he would suddenly flinch as if he heard something and his eyes would go wide before he'd crumble to the floor in fear. Aleks would help him into bed and he would sleep it off, but all he could dream about was Aleks' sad eyes and how he would shake in fear and disbelief, but somehow still managed to put on a strong front for James' sake.

They scheduled another appointment for him with his psychiatrist, who you would think he had some sort of bond with after all these years but James felt no closer to him than he did when they met. Finally, James was diagnosed with schizophrenia, giving him delusions of anxiety and paranoia which would cause aggressive or depressive behavior for a few hours. Basically meaning that James had to be given different medication, Risperdone. This would replace him Lamictal, which overall caused withdrawal and he'd have to be put on Wellbutrin to combat his addiction.

James hated them. He hated how they tasted, how they felt in his mouth, and how dependant he was on all of those god damned pills. After 9 years, he thought he'd have grown a tolerance to taking them everyday, but he only grew more and more disgusted with himself. Over the years, loved ones have tried to make him feel better about it with words of encouragement, saying things like "you're not your illness" or "don't let this control your life," as if they knew what it felt like to be in his position. And everytime, he was left thinking about how much time he had wasted with those repetive acts of his daily life, like taking his pills, watching TV, and doing house chores. But more often than not, James would wonder if the tedious habits essentially were his life, and the unusual parts were his time spent doing the other things.

Aleks never made him feel like that though. Maybe it was because he was too smart to say any of those things, or maybe it was because he was too scared to. Either way, during one of James' episodes, Aleks would just sit by him, rubbing his arm as if it were in pain, but it never was.