The monster inside my head that I call reality~~

Entry no.1

Some days, I just think about ending it all and the others I try not to think at all. I don't want to think about the pain that lies in wait in the road ahead. I don't want to have to feel the pain or the sorrow or the grief. I just want to be able to take another path, maybe find a way out. But the only way out that I see anymore is the one the ends with me laying on the floor surrounded in a puddle of Crimson where my brother would find me asleep. I always think about this path as a way for me to finally be at peace. I never consider what it would be like if I went on that road ahead that's so full of pain. I try to look and see what's on the other side of that road but the darkness is too thick that I can't see past it. People say that I shouldn't feel this way because there's no reason to feel sad. People say that this is just a phase that I will grow out of. People say it will get better. But the sad thing is is that it's not getting better and they've been telling me that for almost a year now. I told my brother how I felt right now and all he said back to me was "stop being a baby and man up. I know you're a girl but you gotta toughen up." All I said back to him was that I want to die in the inside but I'm afraid. He then asked me if I was afraid of dying to which I replied no, I'm afraid of living. I'm afraid of what lies ahead in the unseen path. I'm afraid of disappointing those around me. I'm afraid that one day I'm going to look in the mirror and I'm not going to be able to tell who the person in the reflection is anymore. I'm afraid that one day everyone I've ever known is going to be gone without a trace leaving me behind in the ashes. With those final notes I went upstairs and lied in the dark. Before I drifted off to sleep later on that night, one final thought drifted through the barren landscape of my mind. I'm lonely.