The monster inside my head that I call reality~~

Entry no.2

My mind has developed a new trick for me today. It thinks that if anyone shows the slightest sign of emotion, the person automatically hates me. For instance, today at lunch I pulled a prank on someone in an attempt to be happy even for the shortest of while, and they didn't react positively even though it was a harmless prank that meant nothing. So get this, after that my mind went he hates you now, just go and die already. You would be doing everyone in the world a favor. I know that I don't want to feel this way but I can't help it. I know I have no reason to think like this but I still do. I'm tired of not feeling wanted anymore. I'm tired of feeling empty. I'm starting to feel the appeal of harming myself just to feel something. Anything. I'm desperate at this point and I feel that my attempts to be happy at this point are beginning to feel more and more useless. The days that go by now are slowly being filled with more bad things than good. The hours that pass by are slowly being filled with more dark than light. The minutes that go by are being filled with more panic than calm. The seconds go by in my head slow as molasses and feel like an eternity. I feel empty. I feel cold. I feel alone. I just want someone to actually care for me. I want someone to be able to listen to all these thoughts in my head that I would never trust myself to speak without breaking into a million pieces whilst doing so. I just want someone to see through the lies that I tell everyone at school. I'm fine. I'm ok. I'm jut tired. Just stressed. But in reality the meaning behind them is I'm not fine, I'm broken, I'm not just tired, I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm not just stressed, I'm sick. Sick of not being able to say anything that I want to say. Sick of having to hold my tongue so that people don't think I'm crazy. I sick of being myself. I'm sick of seeing more darkness than light. I'm sick of being alive.