Tevun-Krus #24 - MythPunk

Smith & Jones: Act II Scene I

Something very strange is happening. I feel like I'm, like I'm... I'm... falling, but that's preposterous. I can feel the very cobblestones beneath my feet. I can also smell bacon, and toast, and that's not what you're supposed to be able to smell when you're falling... That's what you're supposed to be able to smell when you're having a stroke and I don't think I'm having one of those!

"Jones, Jones... Calling Doctor Jones..."

Doctor Jones, Doctor Jones, wake up now...

Jones found that he was unable to help himself and as he stirred into consciousness he heard himself humming the tune to that once, moderately popular song.

Upon opening his eyes he was greeted by a light of the brightest, shiniest purple, and for a couple of seconds he assumed that he actually was having a stroke because that's what purple meant, right?

Or was that reggae music? Jones really had no idea what his mind was going on about, in fact he probably...

"Probably doth butter no parsnips, Sir."

"What the..?" And then Jones remembered what H'ver told them about Bingleboos and their tendency to lean towards psychicness when they weren't in direct sunlight. "Ah it's Boogaloo, isn't it?"

"That's me," the Bingleboo replied, glowing an even more regal shade of purple.

"Where are we, Boogaloo? I mean, I assume the loop has taken us somewhere."

"It has, Sir," he replied. "We're currently in _____________________ __ _ ____ __!"

"I'm sorry, but I didn't quite catch that," said Jones, trying his best to shake the ringing from his ear. "Would you mind repeating it?"

"_____________________ __ _ ____ __!" Boogaloo replied, diligently.

"Yes, I thought that's what you said," the man replied. "Now, whereabouts are my trousers?"

There was no need for Boogaloo to answer that question as less than a second later Jones cried out, "Ah! There they are!"

As he was getting out of bed - because that's where he was, for some reason, and sans trousers, no less - something very odd happened, that being a rather loud and painful gurgling in his stomach.

Some time later, without going into too much detail although suffice it to say Jones suspected he would never again be able to look a Bingleboo in the face again, a large cubular object thudded to the floor having been painfully ejected from one of Jones' unmentionable orifices.

At that point - well actually, just as Jones was tentatively zipping his trousers - Kris burst into the room and her wide eyes immediately noticed the object that Jones had, to be blunt, shat out.

"The power cube!" she exclaimed. "Though it is bigger than I remember. Much, much bigger..."

"You don't need to tell me," Jones replied, wincing. "So what exactly is happening, my good woman? What was the power cube doing in my bowels? Where are we? And why, every time I ask Boogaloo whereabouts we are, does he only respond in a series of high-pitched beeps?"

"I do know where we are, though it seems I am unable to say it, just as Boogaloo is," she replied, shrugging. "Smith asked me the same question and apparently, _____________________ __ _ ____ __! is the only possible response."

"Well that's reassuring."

"Just telling it how it is, sugar," she replied, shrugging once again. "Suffice it to say that in the three hours we've been here - yes, three hours that you've slept away like a big biddy baby - I've seen all manner of things. Monsters, mostly, scary things, but I've also seen lads and lassies shooting lightning out of their eyes or running around in tights playing toy soldiers with bows and arrows, fighting said scary monster things..."

"It sounds like a rather odd place to me."

"It is," Kris replied as beside her, Boogaloo's glow changed from a deep regal purple to an amber similar to that one might expect to find at a junction.

"You've changed colour, Boogaloo," Jones said, totally and unnecessarily stating the glaringly obvious.

"Mmhmmm," the Bingleboo proffered in response, just as a cormorant flew through the window.

Before anyone had a chance to say anything, the cormorant that had just, I'm sure you'll remember, flown through the window, phased out of existence only to be replaced with, a matter of seconds later, a tiny man wielding a chainsaw.

"This is the place myths and legends come to die," Kris whispered with just enough volume for Jones to hear. "What's the betting that this guy here used to be Dracula?"

"I think I'd prefer a bloodsucking fiend as opposed to a midget with a power tool," replied Jones, his voice also coming out in whisper form. "What do we do? He looks very angry, indeed!"

It was at that point that Smith entered the room attired in a sexy Mrs Claus outfit that would most definitely have looked better had Kris been wearing it. H'ver was with him - or her, as it were - too, with a pair of fluffy antlers upon his metallic head.

"Did anyone else realise that we missed Christmas this year?" he asked, smiling broadly. Then he noticed the wee chainsaw wielding fella. "Oh, you guys! It's an elf!"

"It's not an elf, Smith," said Kris, shaking her head slowly, whilst doing her best to keep her eyes on the little guy. "It's an angry midget, and I'm pretty sure there's a difference."

The little man grinned, revealing a mouthful of broken, albeit rather nasty looking teeth.

"Jones, gimme the power cube," Kris yelled as the angry midget reverted to his cormorant form. "Quick!"

The man did as the woman commanded and tossed the object to her, whereupon she held it aloft.

Thunder rolled and lightning cracked the sky as the cormorant flew, circling the power cube that Kris had raised above her head.

"By the power of Grayskull..." Smith muttered, as several bolts of lightning hit the power cube in quick succession causing it to emit, well, something powerful enough to flay the cormorant whilst the bird was in flight.

It cooked it, too, and it was whilst the friends were tucking into a hearty meal of toasted (thanks to H'ver, of course) cormorant-cum-angry-midget-who-possibly-used-to-be-Dracula sandwiches, that there was a blinding flash of...

***

"Where the bloody hell are we?" Jones asked.

"We're ___________ __ _ _ _____," replied Boogaloo with a chuckle. "Nah, I'm just fucking with you. I don't actually know whereabouts we are."

"I do," replied Kris, quietly. "We're home..."