Behind that poker face

Chapter 19

JONGIN POV

2 months later.

where's Jieun? Home. Did she get better? No.

This was basically what people asked every single day regarding that Jieun's state was everywhere on the news. It made me feel guilty for not protecting her more. I kept her away from Baekhyun and Sehun for awhile just like her doctor told me: 'they are part of her past so that's why she is struggling.'

I still remembered that day when she called me saying she was sorry. She was sorry because she forgot about me. She was sorry because she didn't want me to get hurt. She was sorry for getting away from me. She was sorry for being afraid to lose me. But I wouldn't do anything to leave her behind. I immersed in her life and there is no escape from it.

She hated hospitals, injections and talking to strangers. She preferred living with me and sleeping on the floor in the living room. She kept pushing me to go back to work, convincing me not to harm herself. She proved me wrong. One day I found her bleeding because she cut her finger while cooking. Another time I found her dangling her arms from the balcony.

"I wasn't trying to commit suicide Jongin." She smiled when I pulled her all worries written on my face. I hugged her letting her know that I am not ready to lose her.

"What do you want for breakfast?" She woke up early that day. She kept digging her eyes in me. That was a bit creepy but considering she had a mental disorder, I accepted that gaze.

"Let's sleep for more hours." I whispered and held her arm trying to make her lay next to me. I missed sleeping next to her, holding her close at night and breathing in her hair.

"No. You need to go to work." She snapped her arm away from me.

"I'm not going today."

"Why?"

"I miss staying with you."

"I don't do that much. You're going to waste your time." She sat on the floor.

"Will you marry me?" That was probably the 10th time I asked her that question. But her answers were always weird.

She turned her head to me, smiled and a tear fell on her rosy cheeks. Even if her face was pale, bony and grim, she still looked entice like before.

"No." She said.

"But I love you. And you love me." I sat on my bed, feeling depressed all over again.

"But I'm wrecked. You may not see it, but inside, I'm all upside down, Kim Jongin. I'm here because I enjoy your company." She kept looking at the window. It was 5 the morning.

She stood up then decided to lay next to me. She got closer to me until my breath fell on her collarbones. I took a deep breath onto her skin. Oh dear God, how much I miss her. I held her close, kissed her right there. She tangled her fingers into my hair.

"I miss you much, Han Jieun." I kept kissing the spot over and over again making her feel my love.

"I know you do." She pulled my hair to make me look at her, "but I don't. I see you every night." She smiled then kissed my forehead then hugged me.

To be honest, I wanted to cry, to scream, to let everything out. Not because I was tired but because I didn't want to become like that. What had she done in her other life to be fated to become like this?

Tuesday morning, I took a last glance at her sleeping face in the living room then left the house. I was about to get in the car until I saw a face I wouldn't even except to look at any time soon.