"Im just tired Karla." I say to bestfriend Karla. She is actually more then that she one of the two ppl. That I would give my life for other then my kids. She is the sister i never had. That being said Karla is one of those pepple. She is beautiful, financially stable, and has a husband who is totally and utterly in love with her. Not that obsessive possessive love. Truth be told ive always been a little jealous but thats another story." You'll book Amber just give it time." She replies. I cant stand happy people they always think things are going to turn out ok. I sigh "I know i just wan mopp around for a lil whiled u mind." Karla suckes her teeth. That means she is about to Start preaching. I roll my eyes set my drink down and takes drag of my ciggs. Preparing for whats in store. " Amber u know I love u. I just wish u could figure out or worth. I wish u could see what everyone else sees when they look at you not what you know who has u believing." I stop and look in the mirror the u. Know how she is refering to is my third baby daddy. Our 5 year relationship ended with a trip to the er and a broken arm, black eye, busted lip and various cuts and bruses. Thats been over 2 years but I have yet to recover and go on withmy life. Its not that im afraid of him any more i have just come to terms that for ppl like Karla there is always a happy ending. And for ppl like me there is only loneness and pain. Loneness is my husband and pain is my lover. "Amber do you hear me." Karla cuts through my thoughts like a knife. "Yeah I respond look I have to go. The kids just walked in I have to get them situated" she pauses I laugh girl im good i'll call u later I love u. I say trying to sound convincing I know Karla wants to say more but when you've been friends as long as we have know when to back off. We say our good byes. And not a min to soon.
Mommy mommy, my lil monsters come running in the house yelling. There is never a dull moment with three around either they are fighting each other or someone else, putting on a play, making a movie or something. You get tired just watching them. I sit down for our segment of today at school which consist of ohhh mommy I dont like her and my teacher did this and I need this. I sit there for about 30 min and soothe correct or what ever the conversations calls for at that moment. After mommy and me time they are off agian. And I head to the kitchen to start dinner. Couse when playtime is over and bedtime is here my lil monsters will be starving. Three hours later the lights have come on and lil man Zachary or ria as we call him is rolling on the floor holding his stomach " mommy im hungry" I cant help but laugh. Dinners ready I say as his brother and sister walk in. Naveah ask what are we having. My stress level is rising I brace myself for the fight that is about to happen and silently tell myself not to lose my temper. I reply chili rice and cornbread. Naveah stops and looks at me. We already had that mommy Destiny is having pizza why cant we order one to. This is what upsets me not that they want one but the fact that I cant give it to them. I take a deep breath and say I would love to viah but its the end of the month. Rents do and I have no extra money. Viah huffs and I die lil inside. I try to make things better by saying ill tell u what what everyone write down 3 things u want me to pick up when I go grocery shopping. She turns around and said I don't want anything and leaves the room. And I just explode. Dont get me wrong I love my kids but this is how it goes. I follow her yelling got damnit lil girl bring your black ass back here. I try my fucking hardest to make u happy. And all your ungrateful ass do is complain. U are the most ungratiful motherfucker I ever met. I know I cant give u everything u want but lil girl I break my back trying to atleast give u the shit u need. But I tell u what fuck that shit. You cant show me any motherfucking respect your ass can starve. Get you ass in the tub and take your ass to bed. I dont want to see your ass for thereat of the night. Naveah looks up with tears in her eyes says yes ma'am and heads to the bathroom. I turn around to my boys all eat bathe and go to bed I say. I storm to my room blast my Mary J. climb onto my bed and just lie there. I know I overreacted and I really fell bad. I know im pushing my children away, that im not showing them what they mean to me. I just wish I could take away all their hurt and pain. Mines to for that matter. My phone rings I look at the caller is. It Veronica my cousin. I dont answer I love her. But right now I fell so miserable right now I dont want to talk. You know they say misery loves company, thats not true when or sad maybe but if u have ever felt lost truly lost. U just wanna be left alone to stare at the walls and cry cry cry. You stay away from ppl expecilly ppl u love. Because they cant help u and usually make u feel worse. dont get me wrong I'm not saying that they try. But the fact that they try to make things better and cant usually leaves them worried. So where was I yes I walked into the kitchen grabbed a bottle, a glass my ciggs, a lighter and my ashtry and locked myself in my room for the rest of the night. I wanna say that this is where I hit bottem but the truth is drinking is a norm for me. I drink if its sunny if it rainy. I figured it was ok as long as I could function the next day. But this night was different I drank and drank and drank till I passed out. I didnt get up to see my kids to school. I didnt fix breakfast nothing I was out. I woke up about 5 my kids had already ate cleaned up and went outside to play. I felt horriable I had missed a whole day out of my kids life. And the first thing I did was reach for another bottle. I redrank myself to sleep. When I woke it was about 3 the next morning. And it donged on me. I had a problem. I got up poured out my glass. Sat down and tried to figure out where I went wrong. I have 3 kids who although I trully loved them i believe I am destroying there life they are not happy and its all my fault. I've have a medeorcer job even though I know I could of been something big. I have never really known love, I have always wanted to be in love I mean really in love not 90 10 or 30 70 or 60 40 I want a 50 50 love. Him for me and me for him. These are the things that hunt me. My dreams and my every waking moments. The real reason behind my endless depression, my drinking, my road to ddestruction.So I made a list starting with what I needed to change. A step to change not only mine but my children life it looked like this.
----------------changes---------------
No drinking
Spend more time with kids m
Get back in school
Get better job
Talk to someone honestly about my feelings
I would like to tell u that get into church was on my list. Trust I knew more than anyone that that was what I needed. But my daddy always said
If u do bad during the week you shouldn't be sitting in church on sunday. lol looking back thats one of the dummiest things he ever said. Or maybe I misstranslated it somewhere down the line. But at the time it sounded like soon edvise. So I neways I decided my next step was to figure out a was to accomplish my goals without getting overwhelmed. So I broke each step into 5 steps. So I put my list up said my prayers. Yes u heard me even heathens say prayers. I crawled under my covers closed my eyes and waited for sleep. Tomorrow was a new day for my family and I. And I wanna be prepared.
