Empty Bed (River Bleu)

Empty Bed: Chpt. 1

My world is upside down now. He's gone probably moved on without me.

I miss him to much but I can't. I can't move back with him. He beated me. Abused me. He used me. But I love him. I love him too much to make our past go away.

I shouldn't have did what I did. Now I'm unmarried. I get to see him today. Right there the house I nearly died in. Almost 3 years ago he threatened my life with his guns.

I knocked on the door he opened it slightly. Theb closed it again. This time when it opened he opened it all the way.

"Hi." He said.

"Hey." I hugged him and he closed the door and hugged me back.

Then he threw me on the couch. He started hitting me. "Did I say leave?!" He yelled.

"N-no. Stop h-hitting me!" I yelled.

He stopped. He walked into a hallway somewhere. I breathed heavily holding my chest. Until he came back with a red and black leather belt.

I started beating me harder. This wasn't the reason I came. I wanted closure. A healing process. He grabbed me neck and threw me down. He walked away into a room and slammed the door shut.

I coughed blood. I got up and had the strength to talk.

"All I wanted was closure with you. But you always chose violence." I unlocked the door and walked home.

This isn't the last time I'll see him. I got home and went into the bathroom. River Bleu was beat up bad. My eye was black, my lip busted, my hair frizzy, and my heart shattered.

No-one will ever love me like he did. His love was tough for a girl like me.
He was a womanizer and he still is.

I turned on my shower and plugged me radio in. My favorite song was on and I pushed the radio far from the tub.

"If you cannot stay down
Then you do not have to pretend
Like there is no way out
I shoulda never let you in
Cause you got me face down" I sang along.

I got out and dryed off and put on some pajamas. I sat on my couch and let my body loose it was aching.

Random thoughts filled my head. Technically he watched me bleed until I can't breathe.

I can't go over there anymore. It's to much negative energy. My mother called my phone so I answered.

"Yes mother?" I said annoyed.

"What did he do to you? What did I say about going over there?!" She said.

"He didn't do anything mother." I said.

"A mother knows River. Come to my house." She said.

I sighed. "Mom I'm already home and comfortable."

"I don't care come now!" She hung up.

I got my keys and put on my slides. I turned everything off grabbed my phone and went to my moms house.

"What ma?" I said.

"What did he do." She said again.

"I went for closure he wanted violence." I said sitting down.

"You need to leave that man alone Riv!" She said handing me some water.

"I can't. I can't move on because my bed is empty. It's emptiness is filled with guilt and openess and I can't move on knowing that he hasn't forgave me for my mistake!" I said.

"Leave him alone. That's the only reason he's beating on you!" She said.

I gave up. I'm not arguing with her today. "Fine mother. I gotta go." I said leaving.

I can't go home this time. It's too much. I drove to what these kids call "Sadness Drive" it's a depressing place.

I wasn't depressed my mind was just wondering. She's right. If I leave him alone this burden from my shoulders will be lifted.

I'll be happier I can move on. Just like I always wanted to.

My arm still hurted. My neck was still sore. I looked at myself and said 'I can't take this anymore.' I looked to my left. I looked to my right. Everyone was at home or on flights.

I closed my eyes and witness myself flying high about stress and boundaries. I wanted a free life. But I didn't know how to get it.

I'm haunted by this dream. This dream I can't escape. I could keep running from him or I can just fight back.

But I did that before. Exactly 3 years ago. April 19, 2012 I was in the hospital. I had a broken wrist, 5 cracked ribs, a cracked spleen, and a fractured skull.

How I pulled through I would've never known. But I thank God that I did.

I got in my car and finally went home. I turned my phone off because I wanna be left alone. I turned my TV on and turned it to Music Playlist. They had an Eminem song Cleanin' Out My Closet.

I'mma expose it; I'll take you back to '73

Before I ever had a multi-platinum selling CD

I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months

My faggot father must have had his panties up in a bunch

Cause he split, I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye

No I don't. On second thought I just fucking wished he would die

I look at Hailie, and I couldn't picture leaving her side

The lyrics blasted through my television. I was sore, broken, and hurt all in one...

I went through all of this for his pleasure.