I don't love

Part 17

Natasha's POV

My mission was completed faster than I expected. I would be home three weeks earlier. I wanted to run as fast as I could. Run to Steve and hope he'd embrace me with a loving hug. But that's not fair. Honestly, I was devastated. I thought I could handle being away from him. But I didn't. And it went out over my mission. I made some foolish mistakes just because my thoughts were elsewhere. With Steve.
He had called almost everyday. And I haven't answered once. I wanted to so badly, but right before I pressed accept, my brain took over my heart and pressed decline. Eventually, I had to message Fury to let him know how I'm doing. I tried to work as much as possible. But I was mostly lonely which left me alone with my thoughts and it never ended good. It almost always ended with tears, fears or screams.
And as for my sleeping schedule, let's just say I've never slept this little. My dreams are getting worse. I remember even more about my past and my nightmares are longer. I don't wake up from them. Sometimes, I even know that I'm dreaming but I can't wake up. Steve's in them too. Sometimes, it's a good dream and he holds me. Just lays beside me with his arms around me like he used to. But for most of the time, I dream of him with other women. Or that he tells me that he has moved on or never loved me. I know that that's probably what I want him to do, so he can get what he really deserves. But I'm selfish. I want him.
Nobody knew I would be home earlier than expected. Tony had promised to keep my little dorm and he knew I would kill him otherwise.
The streets of New York was empty. It was late. I looked at my phone, 3am. It was cold outside, soon Christmas again. I wanted to sneak into the tower and hide in my room. I wanted to think before meeting anyone. Especially Steve. My brain kept telling me that I hoped he'd met someone. Someone good. But my heart wanted something else.
I succeeded to sneak into the tower. I almost started to sob because I was so happy being back. Just seeing all the furnitures right were they stood when I left made me a little cheerful.
I stepped out on the elevator on my floor. Well, Steve's floor as well. I quickly stepped on my toes to my door while my eyes watched his. He was in there. Sleeping probably. It hurt not to walk to him. It was as if he had ripped out my heart before I left and he held it in his hands. I wanted it to be whole again. I quietly stepped into my apartment. I put the bag on the floor and closed the door as quietly as I could. I turned around and was greeted by a sight that made my eyes blurry and heart drop to the ground.
Steve was sitting in my sofa, his elbows was placed on his knees and his head in his hands. A glass of orange juice stood untouched on the table and I went more quiet than I thought I could be. I think I forgot to breath. All that could be heard was Steve's heavily breathing as his face was buried in his hands. I stood there for a good five minutes, waiting for myself to do something. But I couldn't. I stood frozen.
Steve suddenly spoke and I went warm by his voice.
"It doesn't help anyway." He said sadly to himself as he took the glass of orange juice and stood up. He walked over to the kitchen and poured out the orange juice in the sink before he pored some water in it instead. He grabbed the glass and turned around to walk to his bedroom when he noticed me and the glass slipped out of his hands and fell to the floor. Pieces of glass were everywhere and water spread out over the wooden floor. I stood as still as I had before, looking at him. He looked at me. He was in shock. I was in shock. There was nothing to do but to stare. I felt my heart in my mouth and he opened his mouth.
"Na.. Natasha?" He said. I think he thought he was dreaming. Seemed like it. I wanted to answer but I couldn't. My heart was in the way for words to come out. He spoke again.
"Natasha?" He said and tears ran down his cheeks.
"What are you doing here?" I whispered as tears fell down my cheeks as well. He stepped closer to me and touched my arms. He made sure I was really there and looked at me for a while. The familiar warmth rushed through my body like a storm and my eyes was pierced into his. He was still crying, just like me.
"You're here." He said with a broken voice. I nodded. His hand touched my cheek and he kissed me. A long, deep kiss that made my body weak. It felt like I couldn't stand. It was as if I was dead. It felt like my body was on the ground and he kissed my soul. When the kiss ended he embraced me with a hug. I couldn't believe this was happening. He waited. I drowned in his embrace and it felt like he pressed my heart inside my body again. And it would stay there as long as he was by my side.

Steve's POV

"I'm.. I'm so happy you're here." I said smiling while a few more years ran down my cheeks. I still had her in my arms and I refused to let go. She buried her head in my shoulder as I tightened the embrace.
"I didn't think you would be here. I told you to move on." She said, her face still buried.
"I told you. I can't." I said as I carefully put my hand on her head. Her red hair had grown and was much longer than before. Other than that, it was as if nothing had changed. Natasha looked at my face. Her mascara was black against her cheeks and it made her green eyes glow.
"You shouldn't have waited. I told you not too. I gave you a chance." She said.
"I tried but I didn't want to. And I couldn't. I cried my eyes out when you were gone. Please, there nothing more I want than you." I said desperate.
Natasha took a deep breath and looked into my eyes.
"I should have told you but I didn't. I love you, Steve. I really do. I'm so sorry." She said and I hugged her tight once more.
"I love you too." I said smiling. "But you did tell me."
"You were awake?" She said surprised.
"No, not really, but it got to my head while I was asleep." I said smiling.
We sat down in the sofa and held each other. I panicked if we were inches apart and made sure that she was close to me.
"Why were you here?" Natasha said after a while.
"Oh," I said a little embarrassed. "I kind of stayed here a while. I hope you didn't mind. But I felt closer to you."
Natasha smiled and put her head on my shoulder. It was a common feeling I've truly missed. We stayed at the coach, talking a lot. About everything. It went on for hours while we were so close to each other that it felt like we were almost the same person. After a while, we fell asleep. Natasha dozed of first. As I predicted, she hadn't spent much time sleeping. Neither had I.
I held her as tight as I could not to hurt her. After a while, I fell asleep as well. But I was careful. I didn't go into a deep sleep. I was scared to wake up alone. I wanted to have a chance to stop her if she would disappear from my embrace. But she didn't. She stayed. All night and all morning.