vehemence ☾ camren

two.

Camila walked down the dimly lit street, strung out on pure emotion. How could she have done that? Helpless. She called her helpless, then she kissed her. God, that kiss. Lauren played with her, threw her around like a doll, and walked away when she was done. Camila hated Lauren. She hated her, she hated her, she- she loved her. She hated the way she made her feel.
    Camila always viewed herself as a rather rational person, someone relying on facts and systems, someone who wanted the whole world to make sense, and that's what it was about Lauren; she made everything nonsensical. She took things Camila had perfectly mapped out and showed her the flaws in her plans, she shook her entire world, she made a complete mess of everything Camila had worked so hard to organize. She wasn't like that in the beginning, was she?

    She thought back to the first time she saw Lauren: english class. The girls were both incoming freshmen and trying their best to adjust to college life. Camila took residence in the back left corner of the, rather large, class, and somehow, through all the people, she spotted a girl. This girl wasn't necessarily different from the others, she didn't stick out, but Camila was drawn to her in some way. The girl's quietness and seemingly isolative behavior intrigued her. She was quite enchanting, really, reading her book silently, playing with the pages as she waited to turn them. Camila watched the girl for a good ten minutes while waiting for the class to start. Every few minutes, the girl would run her fingers through her messily beautiful hair, which Camila found strangely alluring.
    This became routine. Every day, Camila would find her seat, and watch the girl from across the room read her book. She was not sure what about the girl was so interesting, but she was drawn to her in a way that not only excited, but confused her.
     It wasn't until a month into the class that they talked for the first time. Their teacher assigned them a project and the girls were put together as partners. Camila couldn't remember exactly how their first conversation went, but she imagined it was quite awkward, considering she had a speech impediment that only decided to flare up when she was around incredibly attractive people.

When they started talking, though, they really talked, about everything. The girls stayed up, late into the morning, speaking of everything from how the stars were aligned to their childhood experiences. They traded playlists, recommended authors and poets, and fell asleep on the phone with each other every night. What Camila loved most about Lauren was her open-mindedness. When she spoke, she never felt she had to hold back, she knew the other girl would readily accept whatever she had to say.
Camila remembered the exact moment she realized she was falling for Lauren. It was late, around three or four in the morning, in March. It was raining outside, and the girls had been on the phone all day. As Camila stared at her ceiling and listened to the rain tap on her window, she thought of being in the rain with a lover and asked Lauren if she had ever been kissed in the rain before.
"What, like in the movies? No." She sighed. "I feel like that would be really messy though, like, spit mixed with rain mixed with sweat and everything. However, I won't knock it until I try it." the girl paused, "Why, have you?"
"No. I would like to, though. I think it might be nice."
"Let's try it then." Lauren said, simply. This was the first time Lauren had ever suggested something like that, and Camila was a bit taken back.
"W-what? Like, kiss in the rain? Us?" she asked, anxious to hear the girl's answer.
"Yeah, why not?"
"Oh, I just- uhm, I didn't think you thought of me in that way."
"In what way?" Lauren asked, she waited for an answer, but assumed she already knew what Camila had meant, and continued, "You don't have to be in love to kiss someone, you know." Camila got really quiet after that. After a few minutes, Lauren asked "What are you thinking about?"
"What you said, that you don't have to love someone to kiss them. That's strange, I've never heard someone say that before."
"I don't see why people think that emotions need to be present for something as simply physical as kissing. It's just two people putting their lips together, obviously emotions can be an important factor in a kiss, it can deepen it, but just kissing? It doesn't have to be there. It's physical."
Camila knew, at that moment, what all of the unidentifiable emotions she had been feeling meant. It was Lauren's mind she fell for, really. It was the way she saw things for what they were; simple. But once she started thinking, she was unstoppable. The gears in Lauren's brain spun and spun, weaving endless theories and ideas just waiting to be delved into. Camila felt lucky that she got the opportunity to explore everything inside of her mind. There was, however, some darker parts of Lauren, pieces of her Camila had yet to discover, she could tell that these pieces were not something Lauren wanted anyone knowing about. But she didn't mind, it kept her interested.
That was a problem she had in the past with people, losing interest. She didn't know what it was, she could be around someone for weeks and be infatuated with everything the person was. But there always came a time where that person had nothing left to offer, Camila had sailed through all of the ocean they had, read all the books they had written. Everyone's galaxy came to an end, and there would eventually be no more for her to explore. But Lauren seemed endless, there was always more to discover. Once Camila thought she had her completely figured out, Lauren would say something that completely contradicted her theories. So, no, Lauren's complexity didn't bother her, in fact, it intrigued her.

When they started dating, it wasn't normal, at least for Camila. She had never been in a relationship built completely off of a mental connection. The relationship was no different from their friendship, just added physical things. Late nights on the phone turned into late nights in bed. Hand holding and kissing, real kissing with emotions and everything. Their conversations stayed the same, though. No limits were put on the girls because they "decided they liked each other enough to call it a relationship." That was what Lauren said about it, and Camila agreed.

They did kiss in the rain, by the way, and it was just as unpleasant as Lauren had suspected.

☾

This chapter was a bit shorter, but it basically just gives you an idea of how Camila and Lauren got to where they are now, or the beginning of it at least.

Thank you for the positive feedback it really means the world to me.

- hailey

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