I walked home with Josh. I was extra quiet. I didn’t know whether it was the Lexi thing or the Mr. Anderson thing.
“Hey, Jess?” Josh asked. I looked up at him out of my trance.
“Hm?” I said. It was an unusual answer for me. Lately we’ve been closer. You know, with the whole pregnancy secret. I gulped forcing myself not to look away in disdain. It wasn’t like I could ignore it. The thing, this thing, was inside of me. I was going to have to acknowledge it. The sooner was the better. I knew that. Josh did too. But I don’t think he understood how…serious this was. I mean…I had slept with Lexi’s boyfriend who had broken up with her and now Lexi was missing and had an odd feeling around a new teacher that wasn’t normal. It wasn’t curiosity. I felt like I knew him. Personally. Like really well. Something from another life even. I sighed and shook my head. Nope. Wasn’t possible though he was nice. I mean…he liked my work. I shivered.
“You cold?” Josh asked almost incredulously. I shook my head.
“No, just thinking,” I said pausing politely. “What did you want?” Josh shook his head.
“Never mind,” he said quickly. I couldn’t tell whether it was because he really didn’t want me to know or whether he thought I wasn’t really into the conversation. I hoped the latter though I felt something of the first. I shrugged it off I knew dad wasn’t going to be home. I mean, he rarely ever was. I sighed. Why did life have to be so damn complicated?
I sighed continuing to walk. By now the girls from cheer camp would be cheering their asses off but I was stuck going home because I had stupidly said yes to going to a party, got hammered, and got knocked up by my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. God my life was screwed up. I mean, really. My best friend almost sister’s boyfriend. They’ve been together forever and he just up and left. She probably thought I told him. Or that she told him she knew about the night with me. Whatever it was it wasn’t pleasant. Lexi was missing. My best friend…
I couldn’t think of the comment that one girl said. Her mother said Lexi was dead… Lexi couldn’t be dead! She was my best friend! She was only in eighth grade! I sighed shakily and Josh looked at me concerned but I couldn’t look back at him.
“This is all my fault,” I blurted out my eyes glazing with tears. “All…My…Fault…” in the pauses I was trying not to break down. Breathe, Jessica, breathe. I shook my head. I couldn’t believe myself. I… “It’s my fault!” I exclaimed louder, high pitched like I did when I was upset. Josh frowned.
“Jess…” he said. I shook my head looking away from him. I didn’t want to see the one who had brought me to that horrid hospital. Who had let the doctors confirm the horrid news of my future. The one who had let the doctor confirm what Lexi was afraid of. I let out a shaky breath still shaking my head as tears started to slowly trickle down my cheeks. I covered my mouth with my hand not because I felt my stomach lurch again. But because I didn’t want to break down. I couldn’t break down. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t happen. I gasped slightly in realization. “She’s gone…” That last word stung me like a bee and I stopped in my tracks. “Gone…” I gasped again shaking my head as the tears came more often down my cheeks. I leaned into Josh as he locked his arms around me and began to sob.
We stood there like idiots. He held me close whispering things in my ear that I ignored. I shook my head burying it into his chest smearing my makeup. But I didn’t care. My best friend was gone and it was my fault. I gasped again sobbing louder. We had been friends for so long…so fucking long. Now she just up and left. Probably killed herself. Killed herself.
I gasped again but it was more like a scream. Had I made someone that unhappy? That they would take their own life? I started to cry hysterically. Josh was comforting but not consoling. Just a pair of safe arms to breakdown in. Nothing more nothing less. There was nothing reassuring in his words. He had given up on trying consoling me. I had given up on denying. We both had given up. I could feel him sigh. It was an empty sigh. The sigh he did when he knew there was nothing in his power that he could do to help me. I sobbed into his arms hysterically but I didn’t care. I wanted comfort. Was that too much to ask?
“I want mom!” I exclaimed through my sobs breaking down more as the thought of her dead hit me harder. I began to tremble. “I want mom!” I cried out like a baby. “I want Lexi!” Yes. That’s what I really wanted. For this one time to be proven wrong. But Lexi was nowhere. My mom was dead Lexi was probably too. I shook my head bawling my eyes out.
“Jess…” Josh whispered. “Jess this isn’t good for you or…”
“I don’t care about the dumb baby, Josh! This thing inside me is what caused all this!” I pulled away from him infuriated. But it wasn’t at myself. I was blaming a child that did nothing wrong for my mistakes. I called my child, my baby, a thing. I shook my head again trying to swallow down the lump in my throat unable seeing Josh’s hurt eyes. “No, I’m sorry!” I took a step back. He was hurt. I hurt him. He was just trying to care and comfort me. I had destroyed it. I shook my head and took off in the general directions of the woods. I just kept running.
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A/N: Hiya! Elena here! Officially back on WattPad! Sorry for the UBERLONG break i had MAJOR writer's block! like MAJOR. But I'm back! Now Warning: this story may take time as i am still regaining my writing expertise lol. I don't have an editor for this so i apologize for anything wrong or mispelled or anything that doesn't make sense. I try my best then i offer it up to you guys :)
I missed WattPad SOO much! Now, as two of my bestest friendds are on WattPad and becoming more updated (like they update their stories) I'm trying to keep up. But it will take time as I have a lot to update. So, yeah. Oh
SHOUT OUT TO MissAlexisSmith and MarinaRan98 FOR EPIC WRITING PROOFING ETC. they're the bestest friends in the world and have AMAZING stories. My favorite from MissAlexisSmith is "Before the Dawn" and from MarinaRan98 "Rogue" so go check em out and see who got me back on here :)
Anyways. So goodbye for now. I hope to update soon. Have a fantastic morning/afternoon/night!
