NOT Your Grandma's Book of Progressive Erotica: Vol 7

Queef

I'm not a squeamish guy, but I do apparently have my limits. I've never purposely tried to find out what they are, but I've never had an issue with people farting around me, or watching horror movies. There are however, some movies that I absolutely cannot watch and some bodily noises that gross me out more than others.

Being a guy that farts more than the average person – or so I've been led to believe – I have never batted an eye when my girlfriend farts in my presence, or even when we're having sex. I always ask if she did, which makes her embarrassed, but I always reassure her that I'm just confirming that's what it was. There are lots of noises that can be made in this world from objects, so if it's not a fart, I just want to make sure I'm not being misled.

Even when we're the only ones in the room, I find myself asking if it was her stomach, or my stomach that made the noise. It's like a game sometimes when we try to figure out whose body is making the noise and where it came from. We've been dating for so long that newly formed couples would find our behaviour disgusting. That's fine, but just wait until you find yourself in the same situation. When you're comfortable enough to fart around one another, you're probably in the relationship for the long haul. Before you get married though, I highly recommend finding out where you draw the line. It won't be easy to figure out as it took me a while to find, but when you do, just hope it doesn't become a huge issue.

When I finally realized what my breaking point was for disgusting bodily noises, my girlfriend and I were in the middle of having sex. She had been wanting sex all day long while we were out, so once we got back home and had eaten dinner, we went to the bedroom and got naked lickety-split.

We were in the missionary position when it happened. I had been fucking her like usual, really slow, then picked up the pace as she got more and more wet. Kissing her, I ran my fingers through her hair and pleasured her to the best of my ability with each thrust. When I stopped kissing her, I put my arms around her as if I was hugging her and then listened to her as she moaned. After several minutes, we went to switch positions and that's when it happened. I heard the fart-like noise after I had pulled out and as she was beginning to move.

"Did you fart?" I asked her.

"No," she replied, shaking her head with a slight smile.

"Then what was it?"

"My pussy," she said with a bit of hesitancy.

She looked at me as if I was an idiot and didn't know what had happened. I hadn't heard pussy farts before while with a girl, but the thought of it sounded rather disgusting. Even though it was just air coming out that I had apparently shoved up there with my own cock, I was imagining anal gas being directed out of her pussy.

"You okay?" she asked.

Apparently I had been staring blankly at her for a while as I thought about what I had heard. I didn't realize it at first, but she was asking because I had gone completely flaccid in a matter of thirty seconds or so. Looking down at my cock, I realized that I had lost my erection and the moment was probably too far gone to save.

"I think so, but I'm clearly not in the mood anymore. Raincheque?"