Forever Lost

Chapter 43

Cam's POV

As the words slides out of my mouth, I expected her to deny my question. Even though Sam has been acting weird and has got me thinking about Jaden, I still expected another answer. ''I didn't know what to do..'' She said. 

What was that supposed to mean? 

Was Jaden my kid?

 ''I couldn't keep him as my own'' She paused and as she continued, telling me the whole story. 

I was speechless. Honestly? I was torned apart like I've never been before. And here she is, she USED to be all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn't understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair. 

Looking at her and listening to what she was saying reminded me of the regrets that has haunted me over the past 4 years. Regretting something that I haven't done hurts more than regretting something that I have done. Maybe it would've changed things.. 

FLASHBACK - YEARS AGO

As I looked out of the window and realizing how long it's been since I last saw her, I had nothing to write on the piece of paper I put on the table. I wanted to write a letter and send it to her address, as her number got deleted on my phone. Not because I wanted to delete her number, but that was the only way I could get over her.. 

Writing down what I had in mind made me throw away all the 20 pieces of paper where I had failed to express myself properly until I wrote this last one.. 

''Dear Samantha,

How are you? What have you been doing this past year? Are you happy? What would you say if I came back to visit? Would you let me in? Are you still mad at me?

 Sam.. I have so many questions that I've wanted to ask you. Since I got into college, I've been thinking about exams and how I'd ever pass them if not I had you on my mind. I can't concentrate, Sam. It's been so hard for me to get over you. And I've tried so many things, trust me.. I have. But I can't. I walked away from your tears, and hear them still echoing in my dreams.I would do anything to take back the things I did. I was selfish at the one time that you needed me. After all the time you spent putting me first I decided that I could not do the same. 

I can't explain my actions I never seen myself as a bad person untill this I arrived here.. You needed my strength but I have none to give. I am weak,self centered, and obnoxious. However you never once criticized me. But the one time you were down I made damn sure you stayed there.

 I am so sorry ,no words could ever express the turmoil I am living in. Everytime I close my eyes I see your face the hurt that I caused. I left because I felt like I couldn't handle your pain, but now I am drowning in my own. I know this sounds cheesy but believe me when I say this. I mean every single word that I've written on this piece of paper. 

Ever since I left Cali, all I wanted to do was to reach out and hold you, to pull you close to my body and to whisper to you that everything will be okay. I wanted to restore the giggle in your voice and to be the person that you needed me to be in your moment. I want to scream WTF with you and to cry or maybe to let you hold me since you always have to be the strong one in our friendship. I am longing to turn back the clock and not be so selfishly self centered as I was. 

I want to be there for you and I feel like I threw away the perfect opportunity to repay you for some of the unselfish support you are always giving to me. I feel like I let you down and this is the worst feeling in the world. You are always saving me and I missed the opportunity. 

Just know that I do care deeply for you, I will hold you when I see you and it is going to be alright. I hope it's not too little too late to help ease your burden. But Samantha, I need to see you again. I miss you. I really do.

Will you ever let me in, again?

 - Cam.'' 

After I put the letter inside the envelope, I stopped. I can't be forgiven.. What if she already moved on? What if I... 

I stopped my thinking and immediately took the letter out of the envelope and threw it into the pile of the crumpled letters I threw out. I couldn't let myself do it.

 I gotta move on..