4:00 AM
The prospect of me ending it once and for all actually almost made me jump in glee.
And for the years I have existed, it is just now that I felt a strong surge of... emotion.
What a pity.
Though, if you do think about it- not really.
I closed my eyes and soaked up everything happening around me. I might as well try to be a regular human for the last day of my existence. Torn, I am, yes. I am torn on whether should I be me on this day or should I be normal. Normal and I, let's just say,... We do not mix well in a way of how oil and water will never be familiar with one another.
To be normal today would not be a challenge. I think I could act like a human being. I veto upon it in the early years for reasons lost in oblivion. People exaggerate on how complicated it is to live and be normal. It is not.
Being simple is what this Earth is about. Everything is not complicated. We just make it hard. Look at me? I am hardly complicated. Black and white, above and below. This is how I view everything. It's really easy to segregate it.
I decide on nothing. I will simply let things flow out as it and I'll follow it and I don't know- act around it, I guess. I mean, I want to be honest to myself on my last day not to be a fake ass plastic cunt. And I know I have been honest for as long as I can remember.
The silence of the Earth shattered. Even it was tiny, it broke something.
Everything affects everything.
My eyes are still shut tight and my senses are still sharp
I keep in touch with the universe.
I keep detached from the universe.
The sound that ruined the quiet was a chirp of a bird. At this time, what bird would make a sound to disrupt the peaceful order of all? Another chirp was heard. This was a very noiseless place and for me to experience slight disruption is amazing.
Funny, how I say amazing and glee simply now compared to previous times... Maybe I should've decided to end myself a long time ago.
An image paints behind my close lids. I suddenly remember one day a few years back as I sat lonesome in the park at noon time, a stranger approached me with hidden rage in his heart.
"What? What are you doing?" The person spoke venomously that I almost applauded him for the wonderful projection.
I had raised my shoulder as a reply. I did not bother to utter words.
"You," he had said, with an accusing finger raised at me, "think you're so cool. So great for all of us. Like you don't give a damn. Reality check, you are not mighty."
Reality check, I do not think I am mighty. And I think I am one with reality compared to this unknown person.
Be careful on who you accuse, though, because if you point one finger, three comes back and points at you.
This is what's wrong with humans. We tend to assume so easily especially things concerning with other people. The man who approached me had every right to express his emotions but he had no right to falsify my humanity.
I stand as plain as a wall yet I still please nobody.
I troubled myself not to recall memories of that day nor even remember what had happened after that as I know he wishes to do the same.
He wishes to be free of the clutches of pain and sorrows yet the grip is too tight. Instead of moving forward and erasing the negativity, he allowed it to seep in his system and corrupt him. It was the disruption in his private place and that nuisance ruined the peace in him. That was the chirp that festered in his heart.
A bird chirped once more in the area and once again, I opened my eyes.
