Ballerina

Fear

I lie on my back in bed, my bulging stomach sticking out of my undersized tank top.

I am 6 months pregnant and I no longer fit into maternity clothes.

Sometimes I wonder how many kids I'm actually having, but I am constantly reassured that my life will not be turned upside down more than once too many times with ultrasound scans. Harry is convinced I'm having an alien baby, as it is ginormous and kicking him out of bed "with the strength of ten men".

We haven't found out the gender, as with most things in this pregnancy, Harry decided, as I wasn't bothered whether we had the scan or not. He said he wanted to be able to yell out the gender when this massive child pops out of my tiny hole

That sounds so painful!

I've been looking at the baby magazines more, but instead of having a revelation that I am actually extremely excited to have this baby and don't care about the pain and want a million more, it has made me absolutely petrified of what is to come.

I've never really thought about it much, I was never into baby dolls and playing happy families when I was a child, probably because my family was as far from happy as could be, but I am going to be responsible for this child for the rest of my life. It's not like a pet that will peg out in a couple of years, it's a little human being with a whole life ahead of it.

Also, my home was a danger zone 6 months back, now it is a baby proof sparkling clean palace of love, baby grows and stair gates.

Harry went online and bought 20 mini baby alien outfits. I made him return all but one, it says 'THE ADORABLE ALIEN FROM INNER SPACE HAS LANDED' Harry refused to send that one back and I thought it was kind of cute in a weird way.

My midwife advised me to go to antenatal classes, so I have started going to a special clinic in the middle of nowhere where no one knows who I am. I've met some great people, some are terrified of having a baby just like me, but they are also excited, whereas I am not in the slightest.

Harry has gone on tour for a couple of months, he didn't want to but the band and I convinced him that it was for the best, and he has made sure that he will be back way before the baby's due date, so that he can join me on maternity leave. He will visit me on Mondays to check how his kid is doing and make sure I haven't done anything stupid in desperation to avoid bringing a mini Harry into the world, which should be a catastrophe.

Not being able to dance has been tragic. I had to stop when my belly started to show, as it got in the way and made me breathless with every step.

I go into the ballet school everyday to encourage the kids. Angelica has been offered a place in the new primary education wing. She will be living there and having school and ballet lessons fill her day, along with 59 other little girls who dream of becoming a ballerina one day.

Anyhow, this baby better be good, as I have given up everything I love for him or her.