Dear Unknown

Chapter 4 - Now

Chapter 4

~Now~

I freeze. I literally freeze. I can't move. I can't speak. I can't breathe. My lungs scream for oxygen but I can't inhale. My hands, my legs, my whole body starts shaking so badly I think I will faint. Tears are flowing down my cheeks like a waterfall. And all I can do is exactly nothing. I don't keep going forward. I don't turn around. And without me doing anything at all it still happens so much I just want it all to go away. All the pain rushing back in an instant. Crawling up my body, aiming at my heart and stabbing and stabbing until I am a bloody mess with nothing else but the pain flowing through my veins. My lungs begging for oxygen. My throat burning. My head screaming to run. My legs protesting from under me.

My heart shattering into millions and millions of little pieces.

I hate this. I hate it so badly I just want to rip all these emotions out of my body and feel nothing. I hate him for doing this to me. I hate him for pulling this side, this incredibly weak and fragile side of me to the surface. I hate him for ruining everything all over again, for breaking and shattering my heart once again. I hate him for getting a reaction like this out of me after all. And that's the point. He does it so effortlessly. It's enough to feel his presence, to hear his voice, to have his eyes on me to break me.

And that’s why I hate myself even more than I hate him. I always tried to make myself believe that I'm over him, that I forgot him and want nothing else but to have nothing to do with him, that I would've felt nothing at all if he happened to set foot into my life once again.

And just now it hits me so hard that I lied to myself this whole time, that nothing of this is true. I probably knew it all along. That I could never really forget him completely but I always tried to push this thought in a corner and never paid any attention to it out of the fact that I never wanted to have to think about it. Right now I regret it so badly because perhaps I could've had prepared myself for it. But I thought I would never ever see him again. Never did it come to my mind that he would spend senior year at my high school.

"Look at me," he whispers, bringing me back to reality. "Please."

My heart clenches at hearing his voice. How often did I wish to hear his voice one last time? How often did I cry myself to sleep because months after I realized that was never going to happen? I cried because it hurt so much, because every cell in my body ached for him and it never got easier.

But now here he is. Right there behind me. Just a few steps separating us.

"Please, just turn around," he begs, his voice nothing else but a whisper. The wind still catches every word, every letter and blows it exactly in my direction, replaying his words over and over again in my ear. After all he did his voice is still like music in my ears.

God, I missed this all so damn much. Everything. Exactly everything about him without an exception. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. It's impossible to erase something from your mind that was everything you'd never want to change. That was all you ever wanted.

That is all you can't have.

"No," I say firmly, surprising both of us. Still shakily and no doubt he knows I am crying but at least a sound comes out.

"Afraid you won't be able to keep your hands off me once you see my handsome face?" he tries loosening the tension but his voice sounds all strangled in his throat.

It only makes me more furious. My hands ball into fists at my sides. The shaking gets to a whole new level. I can feel my legs wanting to give out from under me so badly but I force myself to stand firmly on the ground.