Do Not Enter

~5~

Susan's P.O.V.

I walk into the hospital, and am greeted by first and second year interns full of questions as to why I'm here on one of my only days off. I walk past them without a word and hear their concerned whispers as they scurry to fill their count of patients for the day. I continue my trek down a maze of hallways and down a steep flight of stairs, and find myself right outside of the autopsy specialist's room. The way his cold metal door confronts me is the way I could only assume my emotions have been taken in the last 3 days. I knock on the door and hear a gruff "Come in Susan." As soon as I enter, tears threaten to surface once again and I cough as if to somehow let my body know this will not happen here, not now. In the workplace I am as tough as they come and here - tears mean weakness. Not here. Not now. My brain finally sends the neurotransmitters to the emotional panel of my brain and all at once I am numb.

A 57 year - old Dr. Fisher turns and greets me with a small nod. Upon seeing my physical state which I can only pray to God is somewhat better than my mental, he puts down his blade and waddles over to me. "Who?" he asks me with nothing but sympathy in his gray eyes. "Amanda... Stephen it was Amanda. It was my baby. She's my baby." I don't know what the hell happened to those neurotransmitters and the whole 'no emotions' thing, but it's all down the drain now. His hand finds my shoulder and gives it a reassuring squeeze as I crumble beneath him.

"She's my baby!" I howl. "This isn't fair... She's my baby."

When the rush of tears finally subside, I look up at him with a snotty nose, puffy eyes and wild hair. He smiled sadly and makes his way over to the box of tissues he has in his lab. He hands me the entire box and tells me to keep it and that I obviously need it more than he does. I thank him sincerely and before I can say another word he starts with the questions. When did this happen? and Has she been acting weird lately? and Is she still on the depression medication she was prescribed over this last Summer? But the last one hits me the worst...

"Susan do you know if this was accidental or with a purpose?"

The thought of my little girl wanting to end her life sends tremors down my spine and ask I can do is shake my head back and forth. "I don't know Stephen and that's what's been haunting me the most." I'm surprised at how small my voice sounds in comparison to the animal - like sounds I was making earlier.

"Alright Susan.. Here's what we're going to do," he starts, "I'm going to bring her in here and I'm going to perform an autopsy on her. And I'm going to find out what happened. Now you aren't going to say another word and you are going to walk out of this office and wait for my call to you. She's #1 on my list. She always has been. I'll talk good care of her, do you hear me? I've got her now. Now go."

I nod and stand to my feet, thankful that someone is calling the shots for me. I walk out of the cold room smelling strongly of rubbing alcohol, up the step flight of stairs, through the maze of hallways, and into the brightly lit lobby. I quicken my pace, not wanting to get stopped again.

My drive home is a lost cause as I can't remember getting from point A to point B. When I pull into the driveway Claire makes her face visible through our gray - green curtains. She informs me that dinner is just about to be finished and I am amazed by the level of maturity she withholds.
Everytime Claire glances at me throughout dinner, my eyes are immediately drawn to the ceramic tile. Every time she tries to speak a quick motion of my hand being lifted up cuts her off. I can see the questioning look in her blue - green eyes, but I dismiss it. I dismiss her. She reminds me too much of Amanda and my heart is still breaking into even smaller pieces.

I hope she'll understand.

I hope everyone will understand.

I say goodnight to Claire at 6:47 pm and walk to my room. I have a few phone calls to make that aren't going to be easy.

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More to come. Comment, vote, and let me know what you think :)

Xoxoxo Faith