Differences

part seven - jealousy

Jealousy. It's a strong emotion that comes with consequences and harsh, but strong feelings.

Before Max. Jealousy was never a thing Tessa worried about, if a boyfriend had broken up with her. She wouldn't get angry for long and get jealous over every girl he has after her.

But after her first break up with Max, she saw red. Everyone girl who interacted with him was her primary target, if they spoke to her. She ignored them, she held a grudge. Jealousy is ugly, but it shaped her outlook on things, it made her sadder than hell. She couldn't help her anger, her depression at the fact that she couldn't go up to him and talk to him. That she couldn't hug him or touch him.

Max was hers. With each passing moment her possession towards him grew to tremendous lengths, to the point where even when she was told to ignore the feelings and get over Max. She couldn't. They were always there on the front of her mind, always haunting her thoughts, always blocking her view. She didn't have time for other boys, and when she did, they were nothing fancy. They were pass times where she thought Max was forever.

If she had a choice between Max or other boys, she'd be content with spending her life with this... This boy she just met. And along the way. Her wish to do that become more and more till now she just yearned for it for the most part. Other things she yearned for was to be able to turn her own life around and be a role model for her very own children.

But it still never changed, when she was with Max and when she wasn't with Max. She was the same, sometimes she would be worse than usual. And she knew Max wouldn't put up with her mood swings for much longer.

She got help for this, she did. But as usual, it didn't work. She tried anxiety pills. But they didn't work. Her therapist was a wonderful woman, she tried everything she could. But Tessa couldn't do it, couldn't do any of it. Meri, her therapist, suggested that she find something new to invest her time in. Like writing.

But even with writing, Max turned up. He turned up everywhere, she never wanted to forget him. He changed something inside of her.

Something so deep that she didn't even know what it was, all she knew was the he turned on a switch that wouldn't be able to flip off.

It made her find a reason to distrust people, to guard herself from being hurt by anyone. With Max, she'd always make any type of exception for him. But sometimes, she couldn't stand the sight of him with other girls from their school.

It drove her to the point of craziness. She hated being like this towards him, but she couldn't help it. Max was something she never thought she could live without, even as a friend or boyfriend. She needed to talk to him to keep herself from snapping on everyone around her. From losing all her own self-control.

And when it came to his exes. There was one she didn't like at all. He always returned to her, constantly, and she'd pretend to not care at all. But if she had ever said that, then it's bullshit. Because she did care, she hated whenever Max's ex hurt him. She hated whenever Max's ex upset him, he didn't deserve any of that.

But Tessa was happy with that fact that she didn't attend their school with her.

She wasn't happy with the next girl though. While she didn't feel inferior to his ex, she did feel that way with the next girl.

She was beautiful, talented, younger, had perfect skin and a wonderfully kind personality. It was hard to hate her. And it was hard to not hate her. Because she felt both towards this girl.

Whenever Max and the girl were in the hall together. Tessa would hide in the beginning, too sad to even look at them. She wanted that to be her.. And not that girl.

And for Tessa's sake. Let's continue calling her 'that girl'.

But after she got over being sad, she was furious that he wouldn't even look at her. So she started dressing better, doing her hair differently to look excellent. She tried getting his attention.

But it didn't work. He started talking to her again once he found a flaw in the girl, one he couldn't get past. And it's the same flaw Tessa couldn't deal with, she tried, but she couldn't. She didn't like weed, she didn't enjoy the way it made her feel out of control and not herself.

She tried it once. But she despised herself for it afterwards, she couldn't deal any longer with drugs. She never wanted to end up like some of her distant, and some immediate, family members.

Despite that being the reason he talked to her again, she looked past it. She didn't care. She'd question it to herself. But she'd forget about it soon after and would just delve in the fact that he was there, again, with her. And that she was happy, finally.