New Beginnings

Chapter 2

New Beginnings. Chapter 2

School has been excruciatingly painful these last few weeks. I guess the simple reason being the exams are so close. I know I am smart and I am capable of doing well but I am absolutely terrified. The leaving Cert exam is probably the most important exam that I will ever face in my life. My results will determine where I can go with my life, what college I’ll get into, what kind of job I will get. My whole future is riding on this exam and it scares me senseless. 

I have been studying. Of course I have, I’m not stupid. But it’s just so hard. I have so much else on my mind that I get distracted. Well what I really mean is that Darren is occupying my thoughts interfering with my study. My thoughts revolve around him. I try focusing on what I have to do but I always end up remembering something about our relationship and it’s heartbreaking. It’s horrible. The stress of the exams and my heartbreak make me feel miserable constantly.

I know in my heart and soul that it is time to forget about Darren and move on. But putting that in to reality is proving extremely difficult. Some nights I wish I could just curl up and hide from this harsh reality. I wish I could leave behind all the stress, depression, loneliness, pressure, to leave behind everything. I can't give up though, I refuse to let him get the better of me.

No matter how bad things get I want to keep on fighting. Saying that is easier said then done. It is not easy and it never will be but I need to hold onto what it is that I am living for. My family, my friends, my future. Yes the exams are next week and the stress and pressure has been mounting ever so slowly but I can do this. 

With that final thought I settled down at my desk and began a three hour revising session. It was painful and dreary but I felt a sense of accomplishment as I reached the last page of my biology notes copy. Only another seven subjects to continue revising and I would be sorted for next week. If only it were that easy. I was just about to start revising chemistry when my phone started vibrating, causing me to jump. I looked down at the now illuminated screen and saw that I had a message from my dad. Confused I opened it and laughed when I saw what he sent me. 

"Two chemists walk in to a bar, the first one says I'll have some H2O, the second one says I'll have some H2O too. The second man dies"

"Hope this cheers you up a bit, stop killing yourself with the study. Love Dad"

My dad is amazing, there is no denying that. For a middle aged man he is pretty cool. Over the years he has become my confidant, I tell him everything and when I say everything I mean everything! He knows every single detail there is to the break up with Darren. He held me through all the tears, comforted me when I needed it the most, consoled me when I was hysterical, he even bought me Ben and Jerry's ice cream and organized about a hundred movie nights to help cheer me up.

Yes my dad knows all about how Darren cheated on me. 

I poured my heart out to my Dad and it angered him so much to hear about how that ass hole strung me along for months, how he took my heart and ripped it to shreds. It drove my Dad to the point where he was ready to call over to his house and beat the living daylights out of him. That is no joke, it took me all my strength and effort to remove the hurley from his hand and to talk him out of it.

But what got to my Dad the most, what really sent him over the edge was the fact that I was still helplessly in love with Darren. 

No matter how much he hurt me, my feelings for him are still there. 

That drove Dad crazy, in fact it drives me crazy. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to love him. I want to hate his guts, I want to feel such hatred towards him for what he did to me. I want him to suffer, I want him to be the one pining after me every single night. 

I want him to know how it feels to trust someone with your whole being and then have them rip your heart from your chest, have it flung to the ground and stomped all over until there is nothing left. That's what I want.

But no matter how hard I try, the love always overcomes  the negative feelings. No matter how hard I attempt to convince myself I despise his very existence, I know deep down that I miss him terribly.

I check my watch and realize that I've wasted half an hour thinking about Darren. Another reason why I should hate him. He takes up so much of my time! I need to teach myself to stop thinking about him, I need to do something about him. I have to get over him, at this stage it's starting to become a bit ridiculous.

Never in my life did I imagine that he would have this much of an effect on me. I don't know how I fell for him so blindly. How did I not see him for what he really was, a lying cheating scumbag.

Although now that I look back, I couldn't have known. Darren was a charmer, he could get anyone to do anything for him. He had that kind of way with people, he'd flash them one of his breath taking smiles and they'd melt like putty in his hand. 

That's what he did to me and I was a fool to fall for it.

I guess one thing to learn from this experience, is that never again am I going to fall so easily for someone. Never again am I going to trust anyone with my heart. My heart wouldn't be able to take it, I wouldn't be able to take it.

From this day forth I swear to never let myself be a fool for  anyone. I am not going to fall blindly. I am not going to give my heart away so freely. My heart is under lock and key, nobody will get at it. Nobody is going to get the chance to break it into a million pieces. I will never go through heart break like this again.

Thanks for reading. Don't forget to comment, vote and fan! I'd like that a lot :)

Azzy-Was-Here