Midnight Coffee

Letter One

Letter One

Dear baba,

Things have been very hard since your death.Sometimes I still feel your presence and talk to you. That may sound a bit mad, but it's true. I have also left the band. I'm just not happy. And if I were to pretend to be happy, I'd be lying to everyone; including the fans. So, the boys just decided to split up completely. We announced that in the beginning of 2014. I got many depressing tweets from the directioners, and it made feel worse. And the fact that you weren't here to comfort me was the final step to me breaking down. I'm broken, Love, I need you. I miss you very much. I'm writing to you at the place where we went to after our first date. At the coffee shop in London. Remember that? Of course you do. You told me about the music you liked. You talked about Bon Jovi, The Rolling Stones, and all of those people. I still listen to them. I've been listening to your collection a lot more than usual. I also like to watch your old interviews. I still chuckle at the annnoyed face you would make after the interviewer kept mentioning me. I miss your voice. Your accent, it's so different. I miss your hair as well. I have always been a big fan of your natural, blonde hair. But I especially loved when I'd come home to your different coloured hair. Or how when I'd shower, I'd see the purple and pink hair in the drain. Now all I see is the white tub. I also miss coming home to the smell of a clean house because you're absolutely addicted to cleaning. I remember when we went over to Louis's flat for a party. You woke me up at about seven in the morning to tell me you were about to clean. I don't remember much, but I recall waking to the scent of Pine-Sol. I now wake up to the scent of nothing. I wake up to a cold bed, because your body heat is no longer there to accompany me. I don't wake up to someone who despises mornings as much as I do. It breaks my heart. Even after a year without you existing, I still am not used to it. My birthday has just passed. I'm now twenty-one. I believe you'd be nineteen, but you know how bad I am at maths..and making sense. I spent my birthday with my family. And yours. Safaa still asks about you. She's too young to understand, so I tell her that you're visiting God. My family doesn't know that I stopped believing in Him. He took you away from me. How could I? At the moment, I have no religion. This also hurts me, because I know how dissapointed you would be in me. The memory of you reminding me to pray before bed is still very vivid. I know that you wish you would never hurt me or change my life into this. It's okay. I understand that you wanted to leave. A girl just walked into the coffee shop. She looks a lot like you. Blonde, short, gorgeous. She just took out a laptop and some notes. Now she's putting on a pair of glasses. I never knew what you looked like in glasses, but I guess I do now. Oh shit. She saw me staring. I just smiled back and continued to write to you. The barista just yelled out Mary. The girl who looks like you went to get the drink. Her name must be Mary. She reminds me a lot of you. It scares me a bit. I should stop staring. It's too late, she already left. I guess I creeped her out with all my staring. I should also go home now, as you see I haven't slept since yesterday. I have a feeling that this Mary girl is not real and that I am just imagining her. That's probably a sign of insanity, so sleep would be nice at the moment. I will write again to you later.

Love,

Zayn