a/n: i don't know what the fuck i am doing. im in a shitty mood and pretty annoyed and just decided to vent by writing. enjoy?
Phil.
Phil Lester: Topamax
read the bottle.
i was sick of doing this.
fucking. sick. of. it.
my chest heaved up and down once more. everyday's the same. up. down. up. down.
same way as the earth turns round.
and people walk freely around it.
except me.
it had to be me.
i turned my head lazily and looked at the glass of water by the side of my bed. i didn't want to. i turn my head back. expressionless.
a nurse with blonde hair, who i'd never seen before, walked over to me.
"hello sir!"
go.away.
"are you going to take those?"
no.
"i think you should sir. they're only to help you."
what the fuck do you know?!
wait, what the fuck am i saying?
she's a nurse. of course she knows.
she knows everything about me.
fucking. everything.
that's because you're fucked up in the head phil. she knows that, she's treating you like a 5 year old. show her who's boss.
my mind had a fucking annoying habit of doing that. telling me what to do. worst part was i usually let it.
i snapped my head round to look at her, i saw her eyes recoil in fear and anticipation.
"who even are you?" my voice came out of my mouth.
phil who the fuck told you to say that? she just treated you like a child. why aren't you listening to me?
"im nurse castell sir. you can call me amelia if you wish. now sir, i can see you might not be in the best mood-"
well i can't fucking help it can i?
"-but taking these will certainly improve it. of course, if you don't want to take it, no one is forcing you to. but we would just have to give you something stronger later."
my mind ticked as if it were a time bomb. i processed what she just said. and without thinking, my hand shot out and grabbed the bottle and slowly screwed off the cap. keeping full eye contact with my hand. i took two out and reached for the glass of water.
i glanced up briefly to see that amelia wasn't even looking at me. not judging me. not studying me. she was just perched on a stool with her nail file looking out of the window absent mindedly.
i dropped the two pills to the back of my throat. the taste was bitter on my tongue and i furrowed my brows in disgust. took a small swig of water. then set the glass back down with a small clack on the table.
she still wasn't looking at me.
you fucking idiot. you think she's nice because she's not looking at you? she's doing that on purpose phil. to trick you. why did you even take them? that's letting them win. you're so stupid, idiotic, gullible, oversensiti-
"shut up." i quietly said to myself.
i looked up and coughed blatantly. amelia snapped her head back round, put her nail file in her pocket and smiled. without a word; she took the bottle and the glass and walked swiftly out of the room.
that was different.
all the other doctors or nurses or anybody, always looked at me.
every. time.
she didn't.
i returned to my expressionless gaze and threw the thoughts out of my head. i lay back on my white pillow. it smelt like fresh detergent from the laundrette. typical.
my thoughts began to repeat themselves again.
my chest heaved up and down once more. everyday's the same. up. down. up. down.
same way as the earth turns round.
and people walk freely around it.
except me.
it had to be me.
when will my life start having a purpose to it?
or will i just be living, but not alive;
forever?
