I was only 9 years old the first time I thought of killing myself. I remember I had just moved away from my hometown because I was bullied out of my school. However, I look back and think that if I knew then what I know now, my thoughts that day probably wouldn't have changed much. This is because your thoughts are not important when your feelings take over. I have been depressed pretty much my entire life but what blows my mind is how overlooked it is. That's because no one is really willing to discuss it. At times during casual banter it's not something to bring up. It's 'more or less' kicked under the carpet because in today's world... everyone just expects you to say that you're okay when in reality, you aren't.
Ya' know, growing up people probably could've described me as a nice, friendly girl, perhaps a bit on the shy side but at least I 'seemed' happy. What they didn't see is that I was the girl every night who would lay in her bed staring at the wall or ceiling and cried her eyes out just wishing she didn't have to be here anymore. But that's not important, that's what people avoid thinking about because some people don't seem to want to realize that depression is an actual problem. Think of depression as kinda like the nose on your face, you acknowledge that it's there, that it exist but yet you completely look past it, giving your attention to something you believe to be more important- little to know that the 18 year old girl who was a member of speech and debate, National Honor Society, and a class officer, could've been sitting on a bridge contemplating life and death. I have decided to write these journal entries in hopes of raising awareness to what depression is and what people really have to go through. I hope that these entries can help open your eyes and realize how bad depression can actually be and see why people should talk about it.
