I lye here in my bed and stair at the ceiling of my 12x12 dorm. I'm alone... frustrated... depressed.... I can hear my friends, well... suite-mates out in the sitting area. I'd go out there but, I'd probably be a bother to their social hour, I mean my personality is just to 'depressing' or I'm maybe even too 'close minded' as I've been told. But that doesn't make sense because I try... I really do. I listen to them, I try to talk to them about their problems, I care more about their safety and happiness than I do my own. I think I try to be so nice and giving to others, to cover up the way I feel about myself. I'm an idiot, a loser, I can't do anything right, I'm just an embarrassment. I'm an embarrassment to family, I'm an embarrassment to my town.... I'm an embarrassment to myself. I tend to overthink and panic and I don't know how to actually handle it, and because of that I think I'm on the verge of loosing one of my best friends... My roommate. And I hate myself for it, I can't believe I let my fucking stupidity... my anxiety win again. I ruin everything. I ruined my past relationships, I ruined my family all because of a decision I tried to make as an adult.... I basically ruined my life...overall I'm awful, no good, and a waste of space. I see my suite-mates: my friends and watch them excel, but yet I'm there barely able to keep my chin above the water... invisible, unbeknownst to them. Sadly, me being here isn't what caused all of these thoughts however, I think that being here is the catalyst to this 'downfall' of mine. I've been depressed, pretty much my entire life and because of it my outlook on my life is quite vague. I didn't even think I would make it to college, and to be honest I don't know if I'm going to make it to the real world. And for there to be people that are able to look at me and say I'm this 'close minded' person actually kinda of hurts. I can't have my whole future mapped out like others do because I believe that I'm not going to make it far enough to have a future, I have never imagined having one. You can't plan for something that is unlikely to happen. And I think that's one of the many things that nobody seems to understand. Nobody understands a lot of things, like, why it's so hard for me to talk, nobody understands what's it's like to have the thoughts that I do, nobody understands what it's like going from the situation I lived in for the past almost 19 years, and trying to learn how to function without being under what felt like a tyranny... And you deal with it every single day with absolutely no escape what so ever. I wake up hating myself every morning. I look at my life as if it doesn't have a purpose and in result I don't see the point of getting out of bed. I try to keep myself from crying from the thought of having to go through another day. I lay there and lay there and lay there until I eventually have to force myself to get up because if I miss a class I'll feel even worse. I tend to skip meals, and the only way I eat is if someone takes me to the cafeteria with them and makes me, I ignore taking care of my body because I don't see the point in caring for it, and I don't care what happens to me beaus in all honesty I probably deserve it anyway. I don't know how to handle my thoughts and emotions properly and because of it they persist and then someone always ends up hurt, whether it be myself or them. But nevertheless you could ask almost anybody and they would be able to tell you this, I've become quite good at hiding the way I feel and pretending that I'm this fun, full of laughs and jokes kind of girl but nobody knows how I actually feel about myself. I could go on for hours just ranting but there is no point in doing that. I wouldn't be surprised if a person stopped reading halfway through this... in all honesty why would they read the entire thing? Nothing I say will fix anything, so there is no point to listening to me anyway. If you need me I'll be here in the room, drowning... but everyone else here will just continue to watch me from the opposite side of the glass because I'm pathetic, broken, unlovable, and worthless. I honestly rather be dead.
