Dearest me

Dearest me, before the first breakdown

Dearest me,

Oh my how wonderful you look! A '90 baby too! The best babies as we say now! You have a little bit of dark hairs on your newborn head and such beautiful light brown eyes! You're a little plump with rosy cheeks and a cute smile! You'll grow into such a beautiful young lady... Oh I remember it like it was yesterday, the day that I came to love myself more than ever! But for you that's still a long way to go, right now you'll just have to laugh, eat and sleep. A baby has nothing to worry about yet, asides maybe where daddy went while we play peek-a-boo! When I now look at baby photos of myself, I must say I would love a little baby like us, we'll be pretty quiet, and we'll hardly cry! But prepare deary, when we grow older we'll know our voice will ring pretty loud! Even now, when sis holds you in her arms, barely 10 years old, we know that we'll be fine, one way or another.

How life can be so wonderful, is still a mystery to me, you know? This letter is to you when you're 3, mommy and daddy are having alot of arguments, and you keep crying. I know dearest, you want them to be happy, but they can't, they're divorcing. You can't chose where to live yet, so you live with both, depending on how daddy works, for now you'll be fine. You'll get lots of presents, twice as much than usual in fact! Which is the side only others see... But don't worry deary, the fact that I'm writing you this means we got through! Right now I am 19 years old and I swear life will have us in all kinds of ways, but you know what? It will make you way stronger than you can imagine. Because it will all be a life lesson, and you'll pull trough with that beautiful smile of yours, with those light orbs that seems to hold the universe itself in them... Don't worry... We'll be fine

3 years later dad will meet a new woman! How nice! She's really nice and plays alot with you, and you do alot of sports together and you learn not to sit down all day and watch tv! Do remember to keep doing that in the future, I gotta restart since we got a little bit of fat around the belly haha!! And mom? Well she had found a few people over time... But somehow they eventually stopped coming to your house, and a new guy would walk in, why is that? I know now, but you're too young for that you know, don't worry, they'll all take good care of you, because you're a little angel here on earth! Don't believe me? Well I know, I didn't believe others either, because sometimes mom darest to yell at us for no reason, and she'd blame us for things we didn't do, but I love you no matter what, little me, don't worry! By now you're already mastering writing and drawing, take the latter to heart dearest, you'll love what you make when you're my age! Oh god that makes me sound so old haha, but seriously, you're adorable! Though you might want to work on the friendships in class, that could become a problem later... But outside of school you'll find alot of friends, who don't care how different you are!

2007 is here and you're now 11 years old dearest me, and whow you're so tall!! You're the tallest girl in class! And that's a good thing, it means you have beautiful long legs, which alot of guys like, but you're too young for that yet, by now you're slowly counting down to leave elementary school, it's hell for you isn't it? You're bullied, you don't have many friends and you feel like you can't talk about it at home, and school isn't much better, you don't trust teachers with your problems, you did before and then the bullying got even worse... I know you feel like you don't have to live anymore, that nobody would miss you. But deary you're wrong, you're only 11, you're too young to think about all that! I know life is hard, dad works alot and mom is always gone, but it will get better, in due time you'll learn how to live with this kind of situation, and you'll get strong from it. Life is so wonderful, you just don't see it right now, your mind is clouded by sadness and distress. Your grades drop because of math, you can't concentrate on homework and your parents are mad at you for that. They don't seem to understand, to see that you're unhappy... Even an 11 year old can feel unhappy, and if others don't believe that, they're stupid. End of that.

The year you turn 14 is a weird year you know, it's the year you start hanging with friends that are the bad kind, you start smoking and skipping classes, you start what they call Puberty. And damn it will be a confusing time, because you're going to be very emotional and hard for you to cope with it, through this you'll have lots of fights with your stepmom, who you'll come to hate trough and trough. Ever since the birth of your little brother she turned evil to you, acting as if she could be your real mother, which I know you can't stand. It leads to heated discussions and even running away a few times, it's not good, acting like this. Acting like you're a kid while you're a teenager is never a good thing, but I understand how you feel, I've been trough the same after all. Your dad will think you're being a brat, and your mother will take this opportunity to have you live at her place all the time, so she can get money from your father, which you start to realise. Mom is so set on money, that she doesn't look enough at her own child's happiness. But living with mom who doesn't look at you and what you do is better than living at that woman's place (we don't even care to use her name anymore) is what you think, spoiler alert: you'll regret it deary. But it's the decision we made, and we'll see what happens after this. But you have to prepare yourself for a rollercoaster of feelings. These feelings are mostly confusement, sadness, depression and rage. I don't know if I can help you much with it though, I know how you're feeling right now, you're bullied at school still, and your grades are just high enough to pass each year, you hate school, with passion, and you hate home with the same passion. Seems like life is really stupid, isn't it?

You're finally 16, the year everything would change. Which it didn't, everything got even worse than before. You'll fall in love with someone, and it will feel like true love... But it won't be the same for him, he'll dump you, and it will hurt so hard... You'll swear you'll never fall for someone again, but don't worry dearest, others will come around, and he'll stay a good friend that will help you in any way he can. But you're older now, and you realise more what's going on in your life with mom and dad, you now live in a complete different city than before, making friends will be hard, and you'll feel very lonely, you'll start biting yourself and cry yourself to sleep. But remember my dear, life is still full of wonders, all you have to do is open your eyes to it. But for now, our way to forget our hardships? That is just to light a cigarette, drink a beer and sit outside in the dark with our music, so we can try and seclude ourself from what others say or think.

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This is chapter one of 2, the second one will be the latest letter to myself, because it'll be to me when I'm 18...