[ 5 ]
I was sat at the table, waiting for Lori to come home from shopping with her friends. Mrs Kaye was making lunch and her dad was reading the newspaper.
Today was an especially mundane day, apart the fact I'd woken up from a dream about James. My guilt appeared in the sweat beads on my forehead and on my hands. It'd since died down, but sat at his chair intensified it all.
"I haven't read the papers in ages. There was too much of us in them that I got sick of our faces." Chuckled Mr Kaye. I smiled slightly, but couldn't bring myself to fully invest in the conversation.
"God, there are people out there making money from writing those tragic stories." Mrs Kaye came to sit with us while the food was in the oven. I'd become somewhat part of the family. I was round here enough.
My parents and the Kaye's went out together now too on weird double dates. I didn't dare ask about it.
"Someone's gotta profit from it, or it'll be nothing." Her dad sighed, putting the paper down. I couldn't quite take in their casual conversation about their son's death. He'd been gone for almost a year now, but that didn't make any easier for me to talk about him.
"Don't you miss him?" I had to ask. I wanted them to say no, I wanted them to say how much better life was without him so I wouldn't have to feel guilty, but I knew that wouldn't happen.
Mrs Kaye looked at me like you'd look at a child to tell them they lost the art competition.
"Of course. But he was a happy lad- he would hate us if we moped around." His dad was... laughing? About his dead son? Was this real, or was this still a dream? "But yes. We still miss him."
Mrs Kaye stood up to tend to lunch again. We were having fajitas. As she turned to put oven mits on she smiled kindly at me.
"No one can grieve forever."
After a rather philosophical lunch thinking over all I'd done, I decided to go to the graveyard and visit the ghost that haunted me myself.
I didn't tell anyone where I was going, god, if they knew...
I stood at the end of the stone, empty. I expected more than this. I expected to feel something- sadness, relief, grief or forgiveness? Something. But nothing. It was just a stone.
James Kaye
Taken young from our arms,
But we'll see you soon.
An angel in the form of a son, brother and friend.
Taken. Did I take him? My recollection of the event was blurry at best. Partly because I was drunk, partly because I've rethought it and made my own version up too many times to know which version was real.
Did he run out into the road? Or was he just crossing and my slow mind couldn't comprehend stopping? Did I even see him before he was on the floor?
I crouched.
"I'm so sorry." I whimpered, only know feeling a tinge of emotion. It welled up inside of me but refused to come out. I wanted to cry. "I never... I never meant for this...
"You'll never forgive me, will you? I took away your perfect little life. Your family, Oh god, they don't deserve what I did. Neither do you. But... god.... What if I hadn't? Would... would Lori be here? Would you have found someone to go to the canyon? I don't know! I'm trying to justify murder!"
