The stranger in the mirror | Wattys2016

(1) Meet John Doe

1st September.

03:43 o'clock. Pathetic. I don't really know why, but 3 o'clock is some sort of threshold - up until 3 o'clock you're just staying up late, it's a long night, no big deal. Who doesn't have a long night once in a while - you can't tell me you don't occasionally stay up glued to your screen until 3 a.m., surfing the internet for whatever, and you know what? No one judges. But as soon as the digits jump to 03:01, you cross some unmarked threshold.

If you're still on your laptop at 03:01 without a good reason; if you're not one of the cool kids who just got home from a party and drunkenly decided to check Facebook, nor one of those unfortunate souls who are stuck in a long-distance relationship and are staying up to skype with your long-distance better half in a time zone far, far away - if you are, in fact, just a guy who's lived through the prime of his life more than just a couple of years ago and who's now wasting his nights bathing in the sickly glow of a computer screen without doing anything particularly purposeful because, face it, there's not a single good reason in your life not to - if that's you at 03:01, that's pathetic.

Then again, 03:43 is too early for making good resolutions. If it were 5 a.m. now, I could tell myself yes! I'm going to change my life. I'll get dressed and go jogging, right now, and then when I come back, I'll have a proper breakfast, a healthy one that doesn't consist of three cups of coffee and a cigarette. In fact, you know what - I'm quitting smoking altogether. All cigarettes do is empty my wallet and fill my lungs with tar and whatever shit is in those things - pointless. And then...well, what? Then I'll do something.

Considering I'm pretty much at an all-time low, it's not really difficult to make an improvement. Basically anything I resolve to do now would be an improvement. I'll tidy and clean this place - I can't even remember what the floor looks like. Didn't I have a carpet somewhere in this room?

Or I'll go visit the kids - sure, they're adults technically speaking, but they'll always be kids to me. I could take them to the zoo or whatever, they used to love that.

Or I could go to the hospital and tell them I want my job back. I'll put on my nurse scrubs and get back to feeding and washing the nutcases, I'll play cards with them, like I used to.

It's not 5 a.m. though, it's - 03:51. Damn it. What's more, there are barely any people left online. I know a lot of people, from all over the world, but when it's close to 4 a.m. you're on your own. They're all functional people, normal, and that's why they're fast asleep and have been for hours. Even the ones who live in Japan and Australia and so on are offline by now. It's not sleeping time over there, true, but they have better things to do - they have jobs and friends, children and hobbies, they have lives.

Me? I have a highspeed internet connection and a damned terrier, and even he's asleep. Also, he's snoring. I should've gotten a cat, at least they're nocturnal. Then again, they're usually assholes. If I had a cat, it'd certainly be one. Just my luck.

Another one offline. My friend in Baltimore, with whom I'd been chatting up until just now, says her goodbyes. Gotta run, she's got a lunch-date with I-don't-care-whom. The green circle next to her name disappears, offline. Only one is left now. It's the same procedure every night - I go online. Many others are online, too. I pick someone to start a conversation with and have them entertain me until they have to go. Or want to go. Then I move on to the next person. This continues, until everyone's offline.

The only one who's left online is the same as most nights, and she doesn't live in Australia or Japan or the USA, she lives in my country, just a few hours away, which means to her, it's also 03:51 o'clock and she is incredibly fucking tired. I envy her for that - being tired, that is - it's a sensation that is elusive to some of us. Then again, she's actually got a life, I'm sure that's exhausting. That she's still online is pathetic, too, because she's doing it out of pity.