I'm ok

Chapter 4

The next 3 weeks went by really fast. A lot of people I didn't know came by and hugged me and my family. Casseroles were left on the porch for us. It was almost as if someone had died which I guess in a way someone had. My mom barely said 6 words to me in the 3 weeks that have gone by. I'm afraid that she blames me for what happened. Every time I try to talk to her about it she just pushes me away. I'm taking care of Jake right now while my mom walks around like a zombie. I try my best to comfort him because he was the only one of us kids who was actually related to Bates by blood so it must be hard on him. I don't think he really understands what is going on though and I don't bother trying to explain. Thomas has been locked in his room for the past 3 weeks. I'll occasionally see him when he needs to eat or use the restroom I think this is hitting him hard. Which I to this day still don't understand why because Bates hurt him physically and emotionally. He got into his head and messed him up real bad but it's still hitting him hard from the looks of it. I honestly don't know how I'm handling this. I haven't cried over it I'm glad Bates is gone but It's almost as if something is missing. I feel ashamed of myself because I am missing the person who brought me so much pain. However I keep remembering the parts that weren't painful. The parts where he acted like a dad and taught me how to ride a bike and put a band-aid on me when I was hurt. Those moments keep playing in my head and I can't stop them. I shouldn't miss him. I really shouldn't... but I do a lot. And it's my fault he's gone.

4 months later.

You never really realize how long divorces take until you're stuck in the middle of one. I've been to court so much the people there know me but name there. They'll buy me food to make me feel better because I'm just a "little" girl and I don't really understand what's going on. I know what's going on and it's all my fault I should've just kept my mouth shut. I would never tell my mom that because than she would start yelling at me, she's been yelling a lot lately I think the idea of him really being gone is getting to her. I wish I could do something to take the pain away but I'm just a "little" girl who doesn't know what's going on so I keep my mouth shut.

2 months later.

It's my birthday today. My moms in her room crying. I don't know why and if I go in there my friends will follow me and than she will yell at me in front of my friends so I stay in the living room. She comes out after ten minutes and says hi to everyone. She won't make eye contact with me and it makes me really uncomfortable because that means something is very very wrong. During the whole party I'm distracted thinking about what happened that made my mom cry. After every one leaves I ask her why she was crying and she denied she was crying at all which I expected. When she went to the bathroom I checked her phone.
Recent call: Bates 1:23p.m.
That night was the first night I've cried since bates had left. I have never cried like that before that night I thought that was the worst feeling in the world but I was mistaken. The next morning I woke up and brushed my teeth and went into the kitchen. I got some cereal and then went to school. After school I went home and cried again. I did the same thing everyday for the next six months. I rarely left my room. I didn't talk to my friends anymore. I shut out my family and stayed in my room and cried. One day my mom came in and saw that I was crying and asked why I was crying. I responded with I don't know anymore mom I just don't know anymore. My mom brought me to a psychiatrist the next day and the nice lady diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety. The nice lady and my mom talked about medications I could go on but I wasn't listening anymore. This nice lady wasn't so nice anymore. She just diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety. I didn't even know how to say anxiety and I had only ever heard of depression I never imagined I would ever have it. The next few weeks were a blur. The one year anniversary of mom and Bates separation came and went. Thomas's birthday came and went. My days came and went. I had no idea what I was doing half the time. The medication I was prescribed didn't help at all. I'm pretty sure it was just making it worse. My days were the same they were for six months. Get up brush teeth, eat cereal, go to school, get home, go into my room and stay there. My mom saw that I wasn't getting better and had the "nice" lady adjust my meds. They didn't help, not that I expected them too. My birthday was coming up again. It came and went. I didn't feel like having a party. On the last day of school I said bye to the friends that were still around and went home. My mom thought that since it was summer and I was going into the sixth grade that I would get out more and spend more time with my friends. Boy was she wrong. I stayed in my room all day slept into two almost everyday and didn't talk to anyone. When my friends would call I would ignore it and stay in my room. July 4th came and we went to go see family for the holiday. I laughed for the first time in a while and I actually enjoyed myself. When I got home I fell asleep with dry eyes and no runny nose. It was a start. I thought I was getting better. July 16th I went into my moms room in the evening and went up to her and told her I need to get some help because I was just in my room thinking of ways to kill myself. Never in a million years would I have imagined those nineteen words would change everything.
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you keeping up with "I'm Okay" It really means a lot thank you. ❤️