Dear Grace

5

Dear Grace,

3rd January 2016

Jesus fuck I'm so sad and confused at the moment.

It's 3:38 AM and I'm likely not going to sleep but whatever about sleep. I'm more concerned for my mental health. I'm crying because I'm so fat.

You see Grace, I'm starting these letters, and I'll pen them soon, and I plan to give them to you after graduation but I don't know if I'll live that long.

I was asked to prom, by someone whose name I won't mention, and I really want to be at my 2nd goal weigh for it (130) or under it. And if I'm not at my 2nd or hopefully 3rd goal weigh by the time summer comes around, I don't know what I'll do.

I can't eat or drink anything without counting calories. Yesterday I had 157 calories for breakfast, none for lunch, and 693 for dinner. 825 total. And I burned 335 calories working out. So really I was at 490 cal. For a whole day. And I still wasn't happy with that. I could barely stand and it hurt to take a shower. But it's all worth it. I'm going to be skinny. I swear it.

I wear a size 12 or 14 skirt, and I a really cute vintage skirt size 4 for motivation for me to lose weight, so I can fit into it.

I haven't talked to any of my friends at all for the whole day and I'm going to scream. They're all so thin. I'm the fat friend. They help me though. They give me tips, and call me so I don't have to eat and constantly remind me not to eat and to only drink water and tea and to fast and not to eat past 7 and no sugar or soda and no processed foods and to do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day.

They love me.