The Courage to Continue

Finding Courage

Rage consumed every ounce of energy he had. His hands shook with it, his heart beat in time with the anger coursing through his veins. His eyebrow twitched with an irritating nervousness. His breath came in pants leaving him a bit light headed. Why? It just wasn't right. With all the training he'd had; the fact that he was top of his class, it should never have happened. He should never have lost that patient.

He rubbed his hand where he'd hit it; the soreness only adding to his discomfort. His mind drifted to the woman and child nearly collapsing in the lobby at the loss. That poor child who would never know the love her father would have shown her as she grew into an adult, the father who would have watched as she graduated high school; then college and placed her hand in her intended's after walking her down the aisle at her wedding. It was so senseless. He'd been working like he had every day his whole adult life. That's all. Just working, when he was jolted with enough electricity to stop his heart; to end the life his wife and daughter needed him to continue living.

His sore hand slammed again, this time against the wall leaving a gaping hole where his fist connected with the sheetrock. He pulled it back and shook the stinging away. Blood trickled from the knuckles onto his dark pants; he didn't care. Sinking into the chair he lowered his dark head into his hands; his elbows resting on his knees. He didn't know how long he sat like that before someone interrupted his dark thoughts of resignation. He didn't respond to the knocking. He hoped they would go away and leave him to his somber solitude.

They knocked again, but this time the door opened a crack. "Kel?" Dixie McCall called his name with a questioning tone. She didn't wait for an invitation to come in. She slipped in and crossed to the man slumped in the chair behind the large desk. His office was lined with framed certificates pronouncing his completion of his medical degrees, from the likes of Johns Hopkins, that earned him his position over the ER at Rampart General Hospital and esteemed him as one of the best in his field, but none of it mattered now. Right now what mattered was the man in front of her who needed consoling. Dixie saw the blood that had dried leaving trails down his hand. She'd see to that later since the bleeding had stopped. She'd have Joe order an x-ray to be safe. She reached out hesitating only for a second before brushing her hand across the thick dark hair she loved so much. "Don't do this."

Dr. Kelly Brackett had fallen hard for the ER nurse years ago. He knew she cared deeply for him as well, but she also had a loyalty to the rescue men that worked out of Rampart. Instead of coming with him when he needed her strength, she'd stayed behind to console that young hose jockey. For that he was jealous. He had to know that was part of the problem with their sometimes rocky relationship. They were both head strong and passionate for their jobs and their opinions. Dixie was all for the new program that had been introduced at Harbor General training Fire Department Rescue Men to become Paramedics; teaching them to play doctor in the field. He knew she stayed behind to encourage the young man in case he might be thinking about taking the course; about becoming a Paramedic which was a waste of time since the bill making it legal would never pass. He was hurt and angry not only about the man's passing, but also about her thinking he was so strong that he would just walk away like it had never happened. What he didn't know was that she had stayed to talk to Johnny Gage to tell him that he was a great doctor, one of the best, and that if he couldn't save the patient, the man could not be saved. He didn't know about how she'd looked for him in the lounge, in the cafeteria; even the chapel. What he didn't know was that she knew how hurt he was. She knew this loss had hit him hard. He stiffened when she touched him. He didn't mean to upset her, but his emotions were so raw that he wasn't thinking clearly.

Dixie pulled her hand away and dropped it at her side; her chin falling to her chest. She breathed a soft sigh. She adored Kelly Brackett, but sometimes his self imposed barriers were just too hard to break down. "You did all you could. You know that." She paused, waiting for some kind of response. When she didn't get any she continued on. "His heart was too damaged. No one could have helped him. There was no hope of survival."