Help your mental illness

hating everything

When you hate everything, it's like no matter what someone says it annoys you. Like a burning of hate and disgust in your chest. You wish it would end but no matter what you do nothing works... You tried making yourself happy but it didn't work so you resort to pain... You find a sharpener in your pencil case, grab your scissors and twist off the screws... You get the blade and clean it 'cause you don't want an infection and have to explain it to your friends and family, you drag it across your wrist... It feels so good that you keep going, each cut deeper then the last. When your done you clean up and go to bed. The next day at school you keep your jumper on, it's a hot day, but you can't explain why you did that to your own skin. You get home and realize how stupid it was, you call yourself an idiot and need to punish yourself so you do it again... Worse this time. You couldn't hide it at school the next day and you got bullied so badly that when you got home you just wanted to end it so you go outside get a rope, set it all up ready, and write a note. The note says "Mum, I love you... but... I had to do it, i just didn't want to live my life anymore. I hope you understand it wasn't something you did, or you Vicky, your my little sister and i don't want to put you through this but i cant handle it... I'm so sorry" You wipe a tear from your check and get a chair under the tree with the rope, put it around your neck. Just as you go to kick the chair out your little sister comes running out "sis, what are you doing?" shes only 5 she won't understand, but you can't bring yourself to leave her... You take the rope off from around your neck and go give her a hug, crying. She asks whats wrong you just say nothing and hug her tighter.

A couple days go by and the bullying may not have stopped but it doesn't bother you. You think to yourself, 'My life will get better if I let it, I need to be around to see it get better. I need to be here for my sister to stop it happening to her too.' and you realize you are worth it, your life is worth living... Don't waste it cause you can never change your mind when you end it. Love every minute even if it feels like hell. just don't end it.